day 274 - one step closer to "normal"

and it brings me comfort to be closer to "normal" than before !!  a silly little thing like the pleasure of enjoying a cup of coffee .. in my previous life (hehe it feels "previous"!!!) coffee was a major part of my life .. for  ver 20 years i made fresh ground Millstone vanilla nut creme coffee .. i would enjoy perhaps 5 or 6 mugs of coffee today (hello Gilmore Girls lol)

back in january my coffee maker broke .. i had a hamilton beach coffee station that stores the brewed coffee inside the machine so there is no need for a coffee "pot" .. the coffee is heated on the sides and bottom which prevents scorching .. when my coffee maker stopped working, i was so sick that i couldn't really do much about it .. i just stopped drinking coffee .. i felt like i was dealing with so much already that it just wasn't important

my new coffee maker arrived yesterday and today i made my first pot of coffee in 2 months !!  i know its silly in its own way, part of me wonders why i'd spend $40 on a new coffee maker since there is NO way i'm going back to drinking more than one cup of coffee a day (i figure its better for me not to have so much caffeine) but being one step closer to "normal" feels so good .. its such a relief (tiny tears of joy and happiness!!)

and i'm gonna add a YIPPEE cause while its been raining all morning, the clouds have parted (at least for the moment) and we just got a flash of sunshine that instantly cheered me up hehe !!

and i also want to add a note that i appreciate all the comments about the trick in changing font sizes, but i have a laptop and touch pad instead of a mouse with a clicker and i can't seem to duplicate the trick on the touchpad :(  maybe once my bedroom furniture gets rearranged again i'll be able to set up my wireless keyboard and wireless mouse .. right now i am typing from bed cause i don't have the strength yet (and it hurts my rib too much) to sit at a desk for any period of time and i have a limited number of electrical outlets available in my room ..

i need to make a note to let Dr Ray (my radiology oncologist) know that taking one vicodin every 4 hours isn't working and i've increased it to 2 every 4 hours .. plus the morphine patch .. i just don't see the point in being in any amount of pain .. and so far, all my doctors seem to agree with me, but i still feel i should let him know that i'm going through the pills twice as fast as he intended

i appreciate all the helpful comments on helping me deal with my new bifocals !!  it makes sense that while most book reading is done glancing downward, working on the computer requires now that i tilt my head back to see out of the lower portion of my glasses which is really uncomfortable !!  i've kinda messed around with the position of the glasses while i'm on the computer and i've found if i put them really high on the bridge of my nose and hold really still, i don't need to tilt my head back to be able to see clearly .. ok, so i look really silly and i can't cough less my glasses move out of place, but give me a little credit cause its working LOL

i've been spending time trying to get organized .. since my thinking process has changed so much, i've had to learn new thought processes to compensate for the changes .. in a strange way, i am really enjoying this because i'm learning new things .. something that i've always had a passion for !!  in fact one of the main reasons i've been at my job nearly 25 years is because the position i was in allowed me to take on a multitude of responsibilities and i was constantly learning new things .. it was NEVER same stuff, different day .. and i loved it !!  i am so hoping that i can get back to work soon .. part of me feels its not going to be a major focus of mine right now, but it would bring me that much closer to being "normal" again, and that would feel good :)

speaking of back to normal (i'm going to stop using quotes for the word now hoping that its understood that it just means i'm getting back to my routine again and back to doing those little things that brought me so much comfort before !!)  like writing in my journal again !!  back in december i was getting so frustrated because i seemed to have a virus on my computer .. my router no longer worked, my wireless internet connection no longer worked and my internet explorer had been hijacked by some gambling company (all attempted links would only take me to that one gambling page) .. it was too much for me to handle .. then it became so far beyond my ability and strength simply to remember how to log on to my computer .. i was sleeping perhaps 20 hours a day .. staying awake long enough to acknowledge my mothers presence (on my good days) and then go back to sleep .. i remember days going by without being able to eat .. i remember i kept falling down when i tried to get up to use the bathroom .. and the rest of it (2 1/2 months) is a complete blur .. i don't even remember my mom leaving .. i remember her telling me it was time for her to go home and that my son was coming home .. and looking back i can't believe (especially as an accountant) that i had given no thought to the fact that i hadn't paid my bills for over 2 months and really didn't care .. thats scary .. of course, hindsight is an awesome thing but i wish i would have seen the warning signs that i had a brain tumor .. its still frightening that my previous brain scans revealed what they were calling "question marks" first on the left side, then the right side, then back to the left side .. and to go from that to 3 tumors (new news to me too cause i thought i only had 2) and one was 2 inches long in the space of only 2 months still shakes me up and makes me realize how quickly this can get out of control if i'm not monitored closely .. just as a sidenote, the remaining 2 tumors are the size of a pin head .. and supposedly i don't have "brain tumors" i have "lung cancer that has metastasized to the brain" .. sheesh .. talk about technicality !! 

anyway .. so much for the medical stuff .. if i think about it too much it can really start weighing me down .. but at least i've realized when i need to draw a line in the sand and say "stop!!" :)

back to the point i was trying to make !!  i am back to talking to my mom at least every other day on the phone :)  she too is finally getting back to her routine .. my sister Lindas daughter had been staying with Mom until last week i believe .. which i believe was such a good thing for Mom !!  there are days that i just have too much going on to be able to call my mom but there is no way i'm going to let so much time go by without contacting her .. she is still the one i can talk to about anything :)  waving to my mom just in case Nancy reads this entry to her !!  part of me wants to apologize to my mom for the way i was when she was here from december to mid march .. but i wasn't myself cause i had a brain tumor that was growing out of control .. but mom knows that i realize how hard this visit was for her .. that she came all the way here just to have me "ignore" her .. and i realize how hard it was for her but i'm thankful that i didn't have to go through it alone .. i love ya mom :)

i had a realization yesterday how important my journal is to me .. i had started printing it out several months ago (pre-cancer) and i was filing each entry in these huge black binders so that the hard copy would never be lost .. and i've misplaced all the copies i made of my journal .. i'm talking thousands of pages are gone and i have no idea where to start looking .. i want to give my journal to my kids .. i feel i couldn't have chronicled my life in a better way and i really do want to be able to share it with my children way down the line .. i am kinda freaking out about not being able to find all the copies i made of all my journals and i'm not sure how to go about getting help finding it .. i think i have the journal in 2 places, 1 is the binder and the 2nd place would be the copies i had made to read to my mom in the recorder .. i lost the recorder too !!  as much as i want to find my journal, i know i can't be stressing out about it cause i would have to rely on my son pulling my house apart from attic to the laundry room and he really wouldn't understand the importance .. ::big frustrated sigh:: so for now, i'm going to add this to my list of goals .. FIND MY COPIES OF MY JOURNALS !!!  lol

while my children are aware of my journal, they don't read it .. which i feel better about .. i wouldn't be able to share as much as i do if i knew my kids were receiving the information from reading about it than straight from their momma's mouth .. but i think reading my thoughts afterwards would be a good thing !!!

speaking of back to normal ... my daughter called last night and when i asked how she was doing, she replied "ok" .. i asked her what made her day go from good to just OK .. and she relayed a problem she was having with the way her dad had reacted to one of her decisions .. they were butting heads so to speak .. i guess its not really important WHAT they were having a battle of the wills over .. its just that it felt so good to be a "hands on" mom again, if even just for a moment .. my daughter was tearful, needing to know how to convince her dad that he needed to back off just a bit and allow her to compromise on what she was going to do last evening (family plans were conflicting with friends plans) .. after she cried her tears and vented her frustration, i just calmly explained to her that if i were her, i'd give her dad a few more moments and try calling him again asking him to compromise .. and that even if he wasn't willing to change his mind after talking to her, it wasn't because she had done something "wrong" in fact, i was so proud of her for being able to talk through her feelings and explain perfectly how she had come to her decision .. i am so proud of her for being able to put into words how she feels .. its always been something she struggled with, so emotional, taking after her father and being less than completely open .. holding in her emotions .. and i am so relieved shes learning how to express herself brilliantly .. <--- one very very proud momma !!!!

during the conversation my daughter told me that she'll be starting drivers education (on saturdays) in a few months .. talk about getting choked up lol !!  my little baby is going to be driving soon !!!  word .. don't turn around cause your babies are gonna be all growed up next time ya look !!!  and what makes it ok is that i adore the adult she is growing up to be .. which means, all in all, i (we .. me and her dad) did ok by both our kids .. we didn't screw em up so bad they couldn't function as adults .. we did ok and i'm soooooooooo OK with that !!!!!  i swear my kids are the best thing i ever "did" .. i'm so proud of them both :)

lesliehydeart reminded me in a comment about something i wanted to share .. a man (another patient) that my sister Susie and i met really early in my chemo treatment .. i believe i met him right before my first xray that showed that there was no change in my lung tumor .. his name is Chet (i got his last name from Dr James, my oncologist) and he had been living with a 2 inch lung tumor for 7 years .. i felt and immediate "bond" with Chet .. i usually don't hug people i have one conversation with but for him i definately had a connection going on that i really couldn't explain and didn't stop to question .. but i knew i met him for a reason ..

in a few hours after i was informed that there was no change in my tumor, i KNEW in a way that is more of a feeling that i didn't want to admit rather than anything else, that even though i had my tattoo picked out forme to get when i was "cancer free" that i just didn't think that was going to happen for me .. that i would be one who's miracle was that i was going to live with cancer .. like Chet .. and Chet was my miracle ..

i was having issues with believing in miracles .. not that my faith has ever been that strong, but it was becoming impossible for me to believe in miracles when none seemed to be happening for ME and it just ended up with me becoming more and more frustrating .. i kept hoping and believing that they'd find a cure and make me cancer free and with each passing test and failure of my tumor to respond to treatment .. i was at the end of my rope and just about threw my faith out the window .. till i met Chet .. and he made me realize that miracles aren't always what you expect them to be .. sometimes .. just sometimes .. (sorry tears here) god has something else in mind that you didn't want and weren't expecting .. what i do know is that i am alive .. i am recovering . i have NO idea what my future holds but i know i can control my attitude .. which is what has always kept me sane !!!  so i'm going to keep the CCKMA attitude !! (cancer can kiss my ass hehe)

(and no .. i don't want to establish a connection with Chet .. i need to believe that he is alive and kicking and keeping up the fight and if i found out otherwise, i don't think i'd handle it well at all)

i was hoping i had the day off yesterday but ended up getting an appointment at the last minute for an hour of speech therapy .. she was running about 30 minutes late and was interfering with my meal time so i wasn't happy when she arrived lol  but i got several tasks done without getting a bad headache so it turned out to be a good thing !!  its just strange doing "baby work" just to be able to practice my thinking process without becoming frustrated and overwhelmed !!  talk about having to put my ego aside hehe !!  but i'm loving the progress that i can see and feel on a daily basis !!  i am so encouraged !!!

i think i'm going to try to take a nap during my days .. it would require that i turn off my phones and possibly miss phone calls, but i have been getting up at 7:30 am and i swear i'm ready for sleep at 7 pm which is just way too early .. perhaps if i am able to sneak in an hours nap i'll be able to stay up longer .. i am surprised that while a week ago i felt that i was enduring moment by moment, struggling to cope with all these emotions .. my days seem so filled with things for me to do and i'm never bored .. never !!  i'm constantly doing either my physical exercises, organizing my life, taking care of business, working on word puzzles, writing in my journal .. EATING !! hehe  i also make sure and have "down time" where i just veg out, relax andwatch 1 hour of Gilmore Girls and 2 hours of Judging Amy (thanks mom for introducing me to both shows !!  i am going to be so sad when i run out of reruns of Judging Amy and i still can't believe they canceled such an awesome show!!)

well again, it seems like i've worked up my appetite .. i weigh a whopping 109.3 pounds again !!! 

i am nervous about starting my radiation therapy on my entire brain and left rib on monday .. i am hoping that with only 10 treatments that the side effects will be minimal .. but i confess that i still haven't come to terms with fact that i'm going to have permanent hair loss .. i know i'm going to cry and that so upsets my son .. but damn .. i'm scared !!  i try to make myself aware of the possible side effects but not to let the possibilities scare me and just deal with the reality of my own side effects but when i found out that seizures were a possible side effect of brain radiation, it just about knocked me on my butt .. 

in my best whining voice (if there IS such a thing) "but i don't wanna have cancer anymore !!"

i think i'm gonna close now .. i could probably ramble on for hours but i'm getting tired and want to call my mom before it gets too late in the day .. i think for kicks i'm going to keep track of my diet for a day just to let you guys know how much time and effort is going in to keeping me from being hungry .. perhaps i'll even improve my diet just so i don't embarass myself with the 2 krispy kreme donuts, 4 M&M peanuts and 1 mini tootsie roll that i allow myself every single day regardless of how "unhealthy" they are hehe

thanks (you all mean sooooooooo much to me) for coming back and sharing my head noise .. you're helping to keep me sane :-)