Tuesday, June 13, 2006


hello again.

thank you all so very much for the kind emails.

they have made my day just a little easier to get by

they brought me smiles and tears.

good tears.

from the bottom of my heart.

nick and i thank you.

its been very hard for us. we try each day just to get through.

its been hard for me lately. don't know why but it seems like its starting to sink in.

seeming to sink in deeper and deeper each day.

i was just going through all the boxes i have of her stuff.

our memmories of her

i tried to keep everything of hers as i could but than after 4 cars  full.

i knew that i couldn't take it all with me

she was my hero and best freind.

that one person i could talk to about anything anytime.

i miss her voice and her hugs the most.

sometimes i just want to give up but she would never let me crumble.

i hope i can come out even half as good as the women she was.

i live each day for her.


i love you mom

and will talk to you tonight in my dreams.



i am going to try to keep this journal and add to it. for her.

but im not all too sure how.

haha. she always wanted me to have one// go one it with her.

but it seemed outdated for me. boy was i wrong.

help. would be nice=]

thank you again.




Friday, April 7, 2006

day 287

i'm not quite sure if i have the energy to finish this entry but i do know if i don't write stuff down that i forget .. so here i go .. nothing fancy .. just plain too tired

i had mentioned the baby bump right above the tumor on  my left rib .. this isn't under my arm so much as just a few inches above my tumor on my rib so there is no way its a lymph node .. i got in to see dr raymond and he asked me if it hurt or if it bothered me .. i said no to both .. its just there .. he said around their office if something doesn't hurt or bother the patient, they don't worry about it .. i can do that as long as this isn't the tumor thats going to kill me .. he reassured me that in the scheme of things, this bump is really minor ::big smiles::

my numbness in my fingers and hands seems to be changing .. less numb at times .. then back to the typical level of numbness .. i really like my hands being less numb .. it makes me feel more normal :)

this tumor that appeared on my left rib is causing less pain !!!  i stopped using the morphine patch and i'm popping about half the vicodin that has been prescribed .. thats good news hehe

i've been on steroids since my surgery (to reduce brain swelling and elimiate seizures) and now they've begun to wean me off the drug .. its a 3 week process where i reduce the amount of the drug by 1 mg a week .. i am (i think) already feeling less of the side effects since tuesday (which is also a good thing!!)  i actually had one morning where i had more energy than i've had for awhile .. i think i overdid it on that day and now i've decided to take it easy so i don't use up too much energy in one day :)

i am nervous about being weaned off the steroids .. even though i don't want to take them any longer than necessary, its probably that i'm  nervous about having more seizures if i'm no longer taking the meds .. i'm keeping my fingers crossed !!

today, if all goes well, is the last of my 10 radiation treatments .. i hope 10 is enough .. i suppose they're gonna run a few tests and scans just to make sure the tumors are gone .. ::big sigh::

monday i'm turning the big 5 0 !!!  i decided that i wanted to be treated to a massage package at my favorite day spa which is right next door to my office just a few miles away .. i'm a bit nervous about being away from home for 2 hours, but i'm really looking forward to being spoiled !!

here's the description of the package that i decided on ...
"Head to Toe Revival ..

Our most popular package. A full body massage melts away all your tension using a blend of aromatic essential oils. Then our Aroma+ facial cleans, conditions, and exfoliates your skin, ending with a warm mask and a delightful foot massage. An incredibly luxurious and pampering experience.
Please reserve about 2hrs."

ask me if i'm looking forward to the treatment on monday !!!

well it appears that i've done run out of energy for awhile .. i was hoping to be able to write more but i am still fatigued easily .. maybe i'll take a nap before i head off to my rad treatment at 3:30

Wednesday, April 5, 2006

and of course ... huge thank yous !!!

please forgive me if somehow i've managed to get the names and the gifts switched around .. i've tried to hard to keep them straight !!

thank you to Nettie who sent me 2 beautiful pairs of summer pj's!!  i can't wait till its warm enough to wear them !!

Erika !!!  thank you so much for sending me 2 of your copies of the Washington Post !!  i really made myself ill thinking i'd lost them forever !!!

Cyndee & Steve ... what beautiful additions to add to my candle collection !!  the fragrance, the design .. trust i won't be burning these candles .. they're just too beautiful !!!  thank you :)

Nelle !!!  ok, so there used to be more stuff, but my daughter decided she REALLY wanted the slipper LOL  thank you for sending such sweet, thoughtful gifts !!

and from the awesome Chemo Angels, a few of my journal readers (waving to Jimmy!!!), i received "some" get well cards !!!  how i wish i had the time to thank each person individually .. thank you all .. so very very much :)

and as promised .. here's me and my new prescription glasses !!! I CAN SEE !!!!  I CAN SEE !!!!! hehe

day 285 - CCCMA

i thought i'd take a few morning and try to catch up a bit .. this appears to be easier said than done .. my fingers aren;t going anywere i intend then on going!  this entire litte paragrah has taken me at least 10 minutes .. makes me give considertion to composing voice entries !!

can YOU say numble fingers ??? hehe

here is a little blurb publised by GotCancer . org featuring the CCCMA shirt my sister Nancy got for me !!  just thought i'd take a momemt and share it!! here i am with my nephew, Michael :)

She's a Fighter

Tune in to "Just One Girls Head Noise" - Pamela's chronical about her battle with lung cancer. Be sure and keep track of her "quit days" too, as it wasn't that long ago that she was <whisper>smoking</whisper></WHISPER />. These days she's a CCKMA'er, as you can tell from her photo!

» Want to add your photo?

gotCancer.org Action Shots

i can't believe how totally and completely exhausted i've been the past few days .. all the while, attributing it to the brain rads and finding out that this is more than likely because of the dexamethasone (steriods) .. these pills control the swelling in my brain, the side effects are sometimes intolarable !!  i can't wait until i'm off them completely and don't need them anymore !!

today they start weening me from the steriods (i guess it could be bad to just stop taking the pills) so they have a plan to reduce the dosage by 1/2 gram per week, which will take 4 weeks to eliminate the drug from my system.

i have to confide that i'm nervous .. these are the drugs that are controlling the swelling in my brain, reducing the chances of having another seizure .. me has a feeling i'm going to be sticking close to home for the next few weeks (just to make sure!!!)  wish me luck .. wish me a seizure free life please :)

backtracking a few days so i don't forget to share whats been going on .. my son left friday morning to attend a dirt bike memorial for one of his friends .. my daughter came and spent the weekend so i wouldn't be alone .. it was awesome spending time with her again !!  when my son arrived hone around 7 pm, he surprised me by saying "i missed you!!" i missed him too :)  i wanted to tell him that even though i've been emotional lately its NOT because i'm sad .. i'm just feeling overwhelmed at times .. i started to explain .. "my life has been ... " .. "no Mom" he corrected me gently "your life IS!!"  a subtle correction for sure, but an attitude that i want to adopt as my own :)

i was in the process of attempting to clear off my computer desktop 2 days ago and ran across my son's request to the Unversity of Hawaii to take a leave of absense for 2 semesters because of my health .. obviously he had assistance with the letter because of all the precise detail .. but non-the-less it really shook me up to read the words he has write ..

"Unfortunately she has not responded to any of the treatments.

She is living alone and has n o one to cre for her and is increasingly unable to care for herself.   She is extremely fatigued, unsteady and weak and only semi-ambulatory. Her cognitivie function varies from day to day.  My M
other desperately needs help and I am truly the only person who can provide the assistance that she requires."

He goes on the explain that he requires 2 semesters leave.

i know there was so much more that i wanted to write, its just that its taken almost 3 hours to get this far !

i am a collector of stuff .. a teacup collection started by my paternal grandmother; a harmonica collection started by my paternal grandfather; pill boxes for my daughter; dice collection for my son; ceramic artwork prepared by my children; troll collection for ME !!  shot glasses for ME !! Beanie Babies for ME !!  i have NO idea if any of this stuff means anything to anyone but i know i just can't ignore the fact that something needs to be done with all this stuff .. it appears that a huge gargage/estate sale is in my near future .. i know f sure i'm going to need help organizing .. i have an entire attic full of clothes and unused funiture .. it appears that i'm gonna have my hands full for several months .. i just hope i have the strength to pull it off

i had the shock of my life yesterday .. i subscribe to monster . com where employers advertise for employees .. imagine my surprise when i realized my employer was advertising to fill MY job .. what does this mean for me?  i have NO idea but i think its about time that i start looking into receiving social security and/or california state disability benefits .. i don't even know who to ask .. i also need to make sure that if i'm placed on medical disability that i don't lose my life, dental and medical insurance .. that would screw things up for me for sure .. does anybody have any idea who i can get these answers from?  i really am clueless !

i got my daughter to help me take a few pictures of the gifts i've received the past few days !!  hopefully i'm going to have the energy to post the pictures and thank my friends :)

enough rambling eh?!?

let me see now if i can post a few pictures .. and as always, thanks for sticking around and sharing my head noise (ps .. my default dictionary is still MIA so please pardon the lack of spell check!!!!)


Sunday, April 2, 2006

the not so happy side of cancer

i've decided to try for 2 entries .. this one, more serious than the previous .. even though i wish i had nothing but good news, that just ain't my life :)

i appreciate the fact that so many of my journaling friends encourage me to share the not-so-happy stuff here in my journal .. i've decided to make this "serious" entry separate just in case anybody wants to skip over it :)

here goes ..

i have 3 journals that i'd like to find out if anybody would like to adopt .. no strings attached of course

i have kept a record of the Editor's Picks with screen captures since October 2004 (not updated since Oct 2005)


i have kept a journal where i tried to help other people with their own journals since October 2003 .. i have NOT updated this journal since the latest install where so many features were added or changed to our journals .. yet there i think there is still some useful information


and of course, the AOL Journal Directory that i started oh-so-long-ago


i know that there are still 20 or 30 people who access the directory daily, so even though i haven't updated it since December 1st, some people find that its still a useful tool (i still use it when i can't remember somebodys URL to their journal)

these journals, especially the directory, are my babies .. i really wanted to help the journaling community as much as i could so that each person could get as much enjoyment out of journaling as i have gotten

and i want to know if anybody wants to adopt any of my 3 journals .. no strings attached, i promise .. the journal(s) would be yours to have full control over .. i would prefer somebody who i know without a doubt would take care of my journals and update them for the other journalers .. i am not sure how the transfer would be done except for someone to copy entry by entry .. its going to be a lot of work for someone .. keeping the journals updated is also a lot of work .. i would hope to find someone who feels that keeping the journals would be rewarding

i think it would make me sick to simply delete these journals but its something that i need to take care of .. it would make me so happy to turn these over to people who would be excited about having them :)

hollar at me if you're feeling like you're up for the task k? hehe

i only have one more thing that i want to cover in this journal entry .. the other stuff is just too serious for me right now

i was sitting last night eating pizza with my baby girl when i reached up under my left arm to scratch an itch .. and i found another lump .. a baby lump .. can you say "freak out?" .. in my world, this is called "canceritus" (sorry i forgot the spelling) .. but its a common symptom of having cancer .. freaking out thinking every single thing (a cough, a bruise .. etc) is cancer .. when sometimes it is, sometimes its merely a side effect of some medication
(this baby lump is on the same side as the tumor on my rib .. yet way smaller)

without thinking, i was sitting with my daughter and was feeling this lump and i (tears) got so scared .. i don't want anymore tumors .. please .. i don't care if its nothing .. i just feel like i'm dealing with enough right now .. i don't want to have to deal with any thing else for awhile .. ok .. i am really scared ..

my daughter took my hand and felt the tumor herself .. "mom .. take a deep breath .. freaking out is just going to make you feel worse .. lets make a note to discuss this with your doctor and stop stressing about it cause it won't help .. besides, its just a baby" .. and she got my book of notes and wrote a reminder to talk to my radiology oncologist .. she wrapped her arms around me and comforted me .. like only my awesome daughter knows how .. and within seconds i had a smile back on my face .. knowing, i guess, that the only thing i can control is how i react to my situtation and i my attitude

Dr Raymond, my radiologist, is out of the office this week (mostly surgery) and i'd have to see somebody i don't know .. so i think maybe i'll call Dr James (my oncologist) about my newest lump .. its just that he was so casual about the lump on my rib that i feel he didn't really give me enough information .. it was more like "hey, these are common .. we'll just radiate it" .. i would be more comfortable having just a tad more information but i am hesitant about searchingthe internet for information about lung cancer metastazing .. there are just some things i DON'T want to know .. not now, perhaps not ever .. but i need to pick and choose when i'm ready for receiving perhaps devistating news .. i can only do what i can do to make sure the rug isn't yanked out from under my world unless i'm prepared

(example .. i don't ask, refuse to ask .. don't wanna know "how much time do i have left")  i'm kinda hoping when the fat lady is getting ready to sing that somebody will tell me, but until then, i don't want some self-profilled prophecy (boy did i get the spelling screwed up on that but my aol dictionary is still MIA) cause i intend on fighting this

and that is all i want to say about that .. except of course, that i'll fill ya in when i get any news .. i am trying to remain calm and not run off to the emergency room so i can get a diagnosis on my latest .. i just will refrain from giving it much thought .. but the LAST thing i will do is pretend that its nothing .. because being realistic .. it is something .. how serious it is will be the answer i'm looking for

now i need to shake these thoughts .. get the head noise to stop .. relax and distract .. eat?!?!?  now thats always a good distraction LOL

trivia time !!!!!!!!!!!

my favorite song .. one that has great sentimental meaning for me is "do you believe in magic" by the Lovin' Spoonful .. its MY song lol

OMG !!!  as much as i love and adore my cats, one of them just farted and i swear i've lost my appetite .. sheesh .. have they NO respect? ROFL

day 281 - enjoying life and being thankful for my friends !!!

have i ever expressed exactly how much i despise daylight savings time?!?  let it be known now that i do believe that it is one of the worse "inventions" by man .. like my life (selfish me hehe) doesn't have enought to worry about, now i have to try to remember how to change all my clocks too ::big sigh::

i spent the day being lazy with my daughter !!  i had actually prepared a list of things that i wanted / needed to accomplish with her this weekend (mostly going through hair and beauty products that i want to make sure she doesn't want before i toss them out - or sell them at a yard sale)

nothing got done on this "list" except i got a wonderful hand massage ::big smiles::  the hand and foot massages really feel like they help get circulation back .. and even though i try to remember to keep doing little stretches and massage them myself, word .. it AIN'T the same hehe

it feels so good to just hang with my 15 year old daughter for a few days .. it was just a coincidence, but a week before i was diagnosed back in June, she went to stay with her daddy and 2nd mom for "a few weeks during the summer" .. because of my treatments and diagnosis, she ended up moving in with them a few months later .. i was (and still am) grateful to them both for stepping up to the plate and taking care of her .. we would both be so lost without them

it was just kind of ironic .. the timing .. i had just finished suing my ex for child support for the first time in the 11 years that we had been divorced .. i had asked for support before, a minimal amount .. but never followed through on it hesitant about "making waves" .. the court awarded me support just a few months (maybe 3 payments) before all hell broke loose medically speaking .. last week i called the court and requested that they drop the case .. i mean cummon .. rightfully they should now be getting support from ME .. and i gotta tell ya, because of the amount of medical bills i've got now, paying support would so screw things up for me .. i'm just thankful that he's agreed not to pursue support from me .. he said i have enough to worry about and he just wants me to concentrate on getting better .. and yea .. i'm getting all kinds of teary eyed because of the generosity and kindness both my ex and his wonderful wife have shown to me

i've always had what i felt was a very unique relationship with my daughter (who turned 15 back in december) .. with us, there don't seem to be any boundries about what we are comfortable talking about .. while my son will and does fequently tells me "i don't want to talk about it" .. i have never heard those words from my daughter .. in fact, i'll have to confess that there are times i get too much information !!!  i have always tried to give her advice that is realistic .. i try to give my children information so they can make the right decisions .. they've each been given the responsibility of making some decisions at a very young age .. i figured that way they could get a lot of practice and learn about consequenses before they were in a position to make decisions that effected their entire well being and their lives .. so far, i feel like i've done well by them both ((thankfully!!!!!)

i am sleeping so much better now !!!  before i was lucky to get in an hour at a time (which, trust me, does not make for a restful nights sleep lol) .. i now have a new routine .. dozing off usually around 10 for about an hour, then waking up for a few hours and falling asleep again around midnight and waking about 7:30 am .. i am able to sleep laying down now, and i don't know if its because of the pain pills or that my rib is slowly getting better, but i only wake up uncomfortable NOT in pain !!!  i like not being in pain so i'm a happy camper :)

for the sake of my daughters privacy, i'm going to keep this short and sweet, but she had her first big disagreement with her first boyfriend yesterday .. it made her literally sick to her tummy and my heart just broke for her .. all i could really do (i felt) was to let her know that every day that passes by will lessen her pain and that i was proud of her for being honest about making a mistake in judgment .. that (to me) it was difficult enough to admit to someone else that you'd screwed up bad .. but it was far worse to lie about it .. in my book, and hopefully my children's books too, its worse to be thought a liar than a person who made a mistake .. trust is a tricky thing and i've found that usually once trust has been messed with, it can be impossible to regain it .. and then i just held her .. she's such a wonderful girl .. a fighter for sure .. kinda like her momma .. she's been a handful since the day she was born 8 weeks premature .. and i adore her .. whole bunch, whole world ::big proud momma smiles::

i wanted to let everyone know (thems that reads my journal(s) that is) how much i appreciate that you are all so encouraging of my journaling efforts .. i know (really i do) how difficult "our" journey is .. and yea, i really do feel like you are here with me, taking this journey with me .. and i swear i'm not going to cry !!!  but i want and need you to know how good it feels not to be expected to have a happy face on all the time .. even though i try to remain upbeat .. sometimes all this just really gets to me .. reading your words of encouragment and support means the world to me .. it really really does .. i think i'll keep y'all around if thats ok .. you've each touched my heart in a very special way :)

i think i have 3 more things i need to vent about .. i am trying to go back to using my "hummingbird line gifs" to separate my thoughts (since i bounce around from subject to subject so much hehe .. i used to use the lines all the time and then got to the point where i couldn't even remember how to insert images into my journal .. thankfully that has gotten so much better !)

but i don't know if i have the energy to finish empty my head of all this noise lol

maybe i'll separate this into two entries .. this entry and a more serious one that people can skip over if they need to .. i wish i didn't have serious subjects that i need to write about but if i have discovered anything, its that my journaling friends seem to have a never ending supply of "different perspective" and helpful advice !!  how many times have i come to you seeking advice?  lots !!!  its so wonderful feeling like i can turn to you for a different perspective .. you've given me so many different ways of seeing my situation .. of coming up with resolutions .. do you know how much i appreciate you?

i think the last thing i want to share in this entry is how i feel about accepting gifts from people .. i've never (EVER) been comfortable accepting charity or gifts from people .. i don't mean birthday gifts and such from my family .. i have always felt that i was the one that gave .. i am more comfortable giving than receiving .. its my nature .. and its deeply engrained (sorry my spell check dictionary has gone and disappeared so you're gonna have to put up with my spelling errors today)

after i was diagnosed with cancer and shared the news with my journaling friends, the offers of help, financial assistance, advice, and offers of gifts started rolling in like i couldn't believe .. the offers made me extremely uncomfortable .. i NEVER wanted anyone to doubt what was important to me .. that every single gift of advice, support, encouragement, heck, just the fact that some of my friends keep coming back to share my journey with me makes me feel more blessed than i probably deserve .. i had seen other journaler's reputations get flushed down the toilet after rumors started about them faking an illness or faking their situation simply to get attention or gifts

i never ever wanted anyone to doubt what was important to me .. the fact that you are here, by my side .. means more to me than i could ever completely explain

and yet the offers of gifts kept rolling in .. i still don't quite understand why so many people are so kind to me (i am crying again .. cause i'm just so amazed at the kindness and generosity that you've shown me) .. maybe it means that i've touched your hearts like you've touched mine .. maybe it means that i've been blessed to be surrounded by some awesome kind people who go out of their way to make other people feel better .. i don't have the answer really, but i am blessed .. that much i DO know !!!

i think my change of heart started when i received the mass of get well cards from my friends and the awesome chemo angels .. perhaps it was the fact that i no longer felt afraid to give out my address to those who asked (people i was familiar with that is) .. i mean cummon .. lol .. if i feel threatened in anyway by any of my friends, i should probably see a shrink not an oncologist hehe

is it odd to confess that i have decided that i really like getting presents? LOL  there are days that i go to the mailbox and there will be a gift (or sometimes 2) from either a chemo angel or one of my journaling friends .. and i swear, i am like a kid in a candy shop LOL  i always end up in tears (the good kind !!) .. and i've come to the realization that i LIKE getting presents .. they make me feel good .. they make me smile, even the smallest things like receiving a tea bag or a bookmark .. its an awesome feeling that someone took the time to think about me and want to let me know !!

its strange how less important my "journaling reputation" is to me now than accepting kindness from my friends .. before i felt like my reputation was all i really had .. now i have to admit that i feel like i've won the jackpot when it comes to my friends !!  each and every single gift that i've received puts a smile in my heart .. and i have a fondness for smiling LOL  i have decided i like being happy !!! 

i DO have a question however (if you've made it this far through my ramblings today hehe) if i "brag" in my journal about the gifts i've received in the past few days, will y'all think less of me?  would anyone doubt my motivation of just wanting people to know how much their gifts mean to me or would it be seen as a possible attempt to solicit more gifts?  i know that i am now making an effort to thank each person privately .. trust that it breaks my heart that when my brain tumor was growing out of control, i didn't even open my mail for over 2 months let alone acknowledge the wonderful gifts i received .. i never want to get that sick again .. that is NOT who i normally am

so what do y'all think about me acknowledging gifts publically?  good? bad? questionable?  i really could use your input :)

its breakfast time .. i don't know if i have the energy to compose a downer of a journal entry today .. but i think i'm going to at least start another entry .. i can't believe just one girl can have so much head noise LOL

sending you hugs and kisses xoxoxox

Saturday, April 1, 2006

day 280 - what happened to miss independence?!?

have i explained how chemoangels came into my life?

i know i have new readers and i try to stay away from continuing a story without explaining whats going on (i hope that makes sense .. my brain is feeling scrambled today hehe)
if you have no idea what and who chemoangels are, please go to chemoangels . com to read about the wonderful things that these volunteers do :)

i've been hooked up with chemo angels for months .. i have 2 angels, Erika and Sandy, who are never ending in their support and encouragement .. i receive cards, flowers and small gifts from them on a regular basis .. they've made it fun to go to the mailbox cause i never know what i'm going to find LOL

its been a delight .. pure delight ..

when i got out of brain surgery (for the record, i had a mild seizure on friday march 3rd, was taken by ambulance to the hospital where it was discovered that this "question mark" that had been showing up on my brain scans were now 3 brain tumors .. one (left side above my ear) had grown to 2 inches in about 2 1/2 months

what i've realized is amazing is how my wonderful friend Tracy just happened to be here at my home during my first seizure (i didn't even know what it was, i just told her that there was something wrong and to please call 911)  the 2 seizures i had at the hospital within hours after i was admitted, i was still in the emergency room .. my curtains were closed .. the door to my room was only open a few inches and my emergency button was completely out of reach (not that they would have responded in a timely manner haha) but i tried for at least 10 minutes to get anybody's attention after my seizures .. when i finally got my nurse's attention, he told me there was NO way i had a seizure .. but thats another story eh

when i had my 4th seizure, after the surgery, my physical therapist was with me .. i knew enough by then to know that something was wrong again so i told her "something is wrong" and laid down and prepared myself for another seizure .. she ran out and got my nurse (and about 5 other people) and held my hand during my seizure (which lasted about 2 minutes) i was kinda amazed afterwards that there was nothing anybody could do to stop the seizure .. they just all stood around watching, asking me questions that were impossible for me to answer .. and afterwards, everyone just kinda disappeared .. except my therapist that is (what a wonderful lady!!)  she understood how afraid i was of being left alone .. even though nobody could do anything, i didn't want to be alone if i had another seizure .. so i called my son, explained that i had another seizure and didn't want to be alone .. and she sat with me for the 40 minutes it took my son to get to the hospital !!

(and just in case anyone is wondering .. i am writing this all down because i forget sometimes what i went through .. for the longest time, i had no idea when i went into the hospital, when my surgery was .. i basically had to reconstruct the timeline of what happened when LOL  people would ask when i had brain surgery and my answer was always "i have no idea" .. it helps me remember things when i write them down :)

so .. after tests and more tests, it was decided that surgery to remove the largest tumor was the best thing for me .. i had 2 more seizures while waiting for surgery

my surgery was on tuesday march 7th and lasted (i think) for 5 hours .. Dr Jason said it went as good as it could have and there were no complications :)

my release was scheduled for friday march 10th (i think) but i had yet another seizure .. this one caught everyone off guard .. even though they are very typical (messing with my brain, the swelling .. etc) makes it very common for my brain to seize up .. i still hate them though !!  i hate them like you wouldn't believe !  i know they're mild, i'm remain conscious .. i don't thrash around or anything, i just kinda stiffen up and my arms and legs curl up to my body .. i can't talk and i am sooooooo sore afterwards .. i can't believe the amount of energy these seizures sap from me

but anyway ..

i was put on seizure alert at the hospital while my release was postponed .. i got the news sunday, march 12th that i could go home !!  ask me how scared i was !!  this is difficult to explain but i felt like i was living my life anticipating another seizure .. i was afraid to go out in public .. of course, i can't drive anymore (legally for a year after my seizure) but i wouldn't anyway because of safety reasons 

any notion i had of regaining my independence had flown out the window .. if you know me you'll realize what a difficult reality this was for me to accept .. i am still fighting it .. i don't want to dwell on this aspect, but i will admit that it has been frustrating being limited and i've tried so hard NOT to push myself too far and be aware of my physical and mental dependence .. i get frustrated because there are times that i need help and i have NO idea where to get help !!

things like rearranging my bedroom furniture .. when my mom stayed with me for 2 1/2 months (i think hehe) i had the 2 maintenance men come and move my bedroom furniture around so that i could put part of my sectional sofa and a table in here for mom .. when mom left, i wanted the furniture moved back out, so i asked my son to take move the furniture back out before i came home from the hospital

well, my son thankfully moved the furniture, but the position of the bed leaves me less than a foot to squeeze through just to get into bed .. i am getting tired of having to squeeze through !!  i called the maintenance man to try to get some help but after standing me up twice, i gave up on asking him for help

i know that if i ask my son again that i will stress out .. he and i just do things differently .. i move all the small furniture out of the way first, move all the stuff off the dressers so nothing gets broken, i've made a drawing to make sure the furniture will fit where i've planned, i take the drawers out of the dressers so that they're easier to move .. ya know, kinda organized .. (can you say anal? LOL)  my son has a tendency to throw caution and planning to the wind and usually ends up damaging something simply because he's not careful (which is OK .. i'm not faulting him really, i am just aware of how he is and i really don't want my stuff damaged!!)

i don't know why i'm going on and on about something so silly .. its just one of those things that i've wanted taken care of since i got home on the 12th and i've just about run out of patience trying to figure out who i can get to help me since i can't physically do it myself .. i try to only ask favors from people if its really important .. i don't want to be using up all my favors too soon hehe

my daughter is home for a few days :)  my son is out on a dirt bike/camping trip/memorial for a friend thing with his dad .. i didn't want to be left home alone so i asked my daughter if she could spend the weekend with me .. she rolled in around 11 pm last night after a dance at the rec center and promptly went to bed .. i find myself fighting not to go in and check on her like she's still a baby hehe

i wish i were in better spirits .. i know its easier for her when i'm positive and upbeat ..

ya know .. this is NOT what i had planned on writing about in my journal today lol  i started off wanting to thank all the special assignment chemo angels, then i was going to talk about how i (this is hard to explain) am slowly changing how i feel about accepting gifts from people .. but now i've worn myself out and its time to take my pills and eat breakfast .. i wish i would have remembered to ask my son to make me a protein shake or 2 before he left .. i really am low on energy and drop just about everything that i try to pick up !!

thanks for coming back and sharing my head noise !!