day 269

**well i've got a hammer .. and i've got a bell to ring** whoops, guess i'm getting a little carried away here hehe

but i DO have a bell to ring :)  my sister Susie brought the bell over while i was sick a few months ago .. it belonged to my grandma Madge and it is so precious to me so i asked her if i could keep it .. i am thankful she understood how this little bell could mean so much to me

i hadn't even realized my son noticed i had the bell .. but last night he surprised me by telling me that if i had an emergency during the night to ring the bell .. i had a feeling of deja vu last night and it freaked me out thinking i was going to have another seizure so i had him come in and "hold my hand" for a few minutes till that awful feeling went away .. i'm sitting here now appreciating that he didn't give me a hard time or think i was silly for being so scared .. i am so damn proud of that boy words don't do justice **big proud momma smiles**

yesterday, by far, was the most difficult day i've had so far .. i just hung on moment by moment and pretty soon it was easier to accept that i was having a hard day and i just tried to "roll with the punches" so to speak and look for positive things

i explained yesterday how i woke up in pure pain from my rib after only 4 hours sleep .. i was rummaging around and found morphine patches that i had been prescribed for the pain from the radiation treatment .. i read the pamphlet carefully (and realized that i couldn't use a heating pad and the morphine patch at the same time) and decided that i could really benefit from stronger pain medication .. its a 3 day patch .. kinda mild dose of morphine, but its enough to take the edge off the pain .. ask me how relieved i was to have the pain subside :)

i was treated to the most delicious dinner last night !!  i have been craving lobster like a mad man .. they have these commercials running for the lobsterfest at Red Lobster and i can't seem to get my mind off lobster lol  my son called yesterday afternoon where he was shopping at costco with his Aunt .. she asked me if i wanted lobster or crab (or both) !!!!!  she and my son ended up preparing a salad, lobster tail and baby zucchini and then my son came home, sautéed the zucchini and broiled the lobster tail (a HUGE tail if i do say so myself!!) he refused to let me help !!  i am still sitting here in awe of the completely generous act my ex-sister in law and my son .. we couldn't even finish the lobster and didn't even touch the snow crab legs so today my son is running to the store to get some fettichini alfredo so i can throw together the leftover lobster and the crab .. afterwards my son refused to let me help clean up and did the dishes and cleaned up the kitchen (a well done job if i do say so myself) .. anyway, i'm feeling like the biggest spoiled person right now and i'm loving it hehe  i even got him to massage my hands and feet last night (he said all i had to do was ask) !!  i'm in heaven !!

i had a change in the feeling of my hands and feet yesterday .. the closest i can come to explaining the feeling is that when your foot goes to sleep and it starts to "wake up", it can be painful .. a burning aching feeling that really hurts !!  well i was in so much discomfort yesterday i was basically worthless .. not only were my hands and feet numb, but they were burning and itching too but i hoped that was a GOOD thing and it meant that maybe, just maybe, the numbness was going away .. sure enough, today i have less numbness in my feet and hands !!  it hasn't gone away completely but i can tell its about 30% better than before !!!  **insert happy camper dance** lol

when my son got home last night i told him that i was thinking about going back to online grocery shopping again .. he looked at me and told me that it wasn't necessary because he actually enjoyed doing the grocery shopping for us !!  how sweet was that?!?!  i was trying to think of ways to lessen his responsibility for me and for now at least, he swears the responsibility isn't too much for him to shoulder .. again, ask me how proud i am to be this young mans mother !!!

this morning at 10 am i have my initial in home physical therapy treatment .. basically it will just be getting set up, finding out how much i need and how much i can tolerate .. i think i could manage about 5 minutes of exercise before i'd collapse in exhaustion !!  i can't believe how drained i've been feeling but i really do feel stronger as each day passes and i'm doing little exercises on my own, mostly just leg lifts and stretching

then at 2:30 i have my first appointment for radiation .. we're just going to do the measuring and stuff, no actual radiation but i'm nervous nonetheless .. my son is bringing me to the appointment and his presence really helps me be stronger .. he HATES it when i break down and cry so i somehow usually manage to be just a bit stronger because he's there with me :)

i got some reading done yesterday !!  i ended up with a headache and frustrated because i kept getting words wrong but i finished a few articiles in the readers digest and actually comprehended what i read !!  i can feel the changes in my ability to think and process thoughts as each day goes by .. its a huge relief to see progress cause i have a fondness for my brain lol  i happen to like my brain the way it was and can't wait for it to get as "back to normal" as it can !!!!

i feel awful for having good news that i managed to complete;y overlook and not share because i was caught up in all the commotion .. it turns out my lung tumor is just a BIT smaller than before !!!  which is actually the first really good news that i've gotten so far !!  both my oncologist and i were really surprised and it was the last thing we were expecting !!  i am relieved and gonna take this good news and make the most of it !!!

the other good news i neglected to share is that after 5 hours of brain surgery, it went as good as it could .. my neurosurgeon had explained that sometimes tumors can be "sticky" and harder to remove .. turns out my tumor wasn't connected to any brain tissue and it made the removal so much easier !! (by the way i get my stitches removed tomorrow and i'm so NOT looking forward to it lol i know its going to be uncomfortable .. i've got at least 30 stitches that need to be removed and i'm a huge baby when it comes to pain so i'm gonna make sure and pop a few vicodin before my appointment (i am taking ALL the help i can get hehe)

i have managed to get my weight up to 106 pounds !!!  **insert yet another happy dance !!**  because of the steriods i am eating about 10 meals a day .. it feels completely unnatural to have such a huge appetite, being hungry again within 10 - 20 minutes of having a full meal but thankfully i need to put the weight back on .. my ideal weight was 138 pounds and its my goal to put on as much weight and regain as much strength as i can before the possible side effect of loss of appetite from the radiation .. i made my son promise last night that he'd force me to drink 2 protein shakes a day if i lose my appetite .. he promised :)

i can't believe how quickly my brusing has gotten better !!!  when i got home from the hospital, my legs and mostly my arms were literally covered with bruises from all the IV's and injections .. the bruises are basically gone now after me expecting them to last for weeks !!!  i am wondering if it has anything to do with the mega multi-vitamin/minerals that i'm taking ::shrugging::  what i DO know is that these horse pills are so huge that i have to cut them in half and the taste like garbage LOL

well i've managed to work up an appetite (so whats new hehe) so thanks for taking the time to share my head noise .. you guys never fail to amaze me at how you've taken an interest in my life and my journey .. even though i don't really understand it, i've stopped questioning the fact that i've got the best journaling friends in the world and i simply appreciate the fact that i've got y'all in my life .. ((waving at Andi cause we shared the most awesome phone conversation yesterday !!!))

i'm gonna go eat now hehe (and pardon please my lack of spell check lol)