pssst .. i'm gonna let ya in on a little secret .. but listen close cause i'm only gonna say this one time (hopefully) cause i absolutely CANNOT dwell on this news and i refuse to let it get me down .. i REFUSE to give up and let my fears consume me
i'm letting you know .. even though the last thing i want is sympathy .. the very last thing i need is sympathy .. i am letting my journaling friends know before my own children know the news .. perhaps i'm practicing on finding the right words
perhaps its best that you just absorb the news without commenting for now? if i feel ANY sympathy coming from my friends its gonna really piss me off royally .. it hasn't really sunk in yet .. i just received the news a few hours ago and i'm falling apart just a little bit at a time
because of the brain tumors the doc has upgraded the stage of my cancer at level IV .. less than a 5% chance of living more than a year .. its time as they say to "get my affairs in order" .. please say a prayer for my children who i believe need your prayers more than i do
i am not going to focus on the fact that i'm dying .. i am going to continue my fight .. i'm not throwing in the towel .. i've started physical therapy, speech therapy .. hopefully massage therapy .. and a regimine of dietary supplements including some B vitamins, milk thistle and mushroom extract for cleaning my liver (the oncologist thinks its a waste of money) i'm getting set up for radiation treatments beginning with the measuring, a test run .. on monday .. i'm finally getting my stitches out tuesday and have my second appointment for speech therapy on wednesday .. i'm going to focus (i NEED to focus) on all positive things happening in my life .. gaining weight, gaining strength .. becoming as healthy as i can .. and toning up my muscles ..
when i feel i am ready i will begin getting my affairs in order .. i've got some research to do but i'm simply not ready to accept the fact that they cannot cure my cancer, they are going to try to extend my life as long as possible and i KNOW that the more positive things i can add to my life, the longer i am going to live .. i KNOW that as sure as i live and breathe .. so think positive people .. THINK POSITIVE !!! please ?
its not that i'm refusing to accept the facts .. i just need to do it a little bit at a time cause its hard ..
i wanted so bad to have a drink (my first in probably 4 months) but the doc said i needed someone here to hold my hand cause i'd risk having a seizure .. i decided it wasn't worth it
it was great seeing my oncologist again .. he and i have a pretty unique relationship .. we've gone way beyond mild flirting and i have a really good time during my appointments .. we take care of business and then have a few laughs .. what more could i ask for?!?!?! i go back to see him after my radiation is complete and we'll strike up a plan E to see what we can do to extend my life as long as possible .. i feel as if i am surrounded by a very special caring team of physicians .. my radiology oncologist, my oncologist, my neurosurgeon, my home care nurse, my speech therapist, my chiropractor and my health insurance case worker .. i feel they are all fighting FOR me .. i am receiving a great deal of comfort from each one of these extemely special people who make ME feel very special and worth fighting for .. i have a very special relationship with each one of my physicians that i treasure
i guess thats all the news i have for now .. remember .. not a word about my little "secret" for now ok? focus on the positive !!!!!
tomorrow, i'll fill y'all in on my first speech therapy .. and how i got so stressed out i got a migrane lol .. i was exhausted by the time it was over !! who'd of thunk i'd be tired from using my brain eh !!! hehe
taking a big deep breath .. and smiling softly (i hate being the bearer of "not good" news so lets just forget i said anything please?)
i'm letting you know .. even though the last thing i want is sympathy .. the very last thing i need is sympathy .. i am letting my journaling friends know before my own children know the news .. perhaps i'm practicing on finding the right words
perhaps its best that you just absorb the news without commenting for now? if i feel ANY sympathy coming from my friends its gonna really piss me off royally .. it hasn't really sunk in yet .. i just received the news a few hours ago and i'm falling apart just a little bit at a time
because of the brain tumors the doc has upgraded the stage of my cancer at level IV .. less than a 5% chance of living more than a year .. its time as they say to "get my affairs in order" .. please say a prayer for my children who i believe need your prayers more than i do
i am not going to focus on the fact that i'm dying .. i am going to continue my fight .. i'm not throwing in the towel .. i've started physical therapy, speech therapy .. hopefully massage therapy .. and a regimine of dietary supplements including some B vitamins, milk thistle and mushroom extract for cleaning my liver (the oncologist thinks its a waste of money) i'm getting set up for radiation treatments beginning with the measuring, a test run .. on monday .. i'm finally getting my stitches out tuesday and have my second appointment for speech therapy on wednesday .. i'm going to focus (i NEED to focus) on all positive things happening in my life .. gaining weight, gaining strength .. becoming as healthy as i can .. and toning up my muscles ..
when i feel i am ready i will begin getting my affairs in order .. i've got some research to do but i'm simply not ready to accept the fact that they cannot cure my cancer, they are going to try to extend my life as long as possible and i KNOW that the more positive things i can add to my life, the longer i am going to live .. i KNOW that as sure as i live and breathe .. so think positive people .. THINK POSITIVE !!! please ?
its not that i'm refusing to accept the facts .. i just need to do it a little bit at a time cause its hard ..
i wanted so bad to have a drink (my first in probably 4 months) but the doc said i needed someone here to hold my hand cause i'd risk having a seizure .. i decided it wasn't worth it
it was great seeing my oncologist again .. he and i have a pretty unique relationship .. we've gone way beyond mild flirting and i have a really good time during my appointments .. we take care of business and then have a few laughs .. what more could i ask for?!?!?! i go back to see him after my radiation is complete and we'll strike up a plan E to see what we can do to extend my life as long as possible .. i feel as if i am surrounded by a very special caring team of physicians .. my radiology oncologist, my oncologist, my neurosurgeon, my home care nurse, my speech therapist, my chiropractor and my health insurance case worker .. i feel they are all fighting FOR me .. i am receiving a great deal of comfort from each one of these extemely special people who make ME feel very special and worth fighting for .. i have a very special relationship with each one of my physicians that i treasure
i guess thats all the news i have for now .. remember .. not a word about my little "secret" for now ok? focus on the positive !!!!!
tomorrow, i'll fill y'all in on my first speech therapy .. and how i got so stressed out i got a migrane lol .. i was exhausted by the time it was over !! who'd of thunk i'd be tired from using my brain eh !!! hehe
taking a big deep breath .. and smiling softly (i hate being the bearer of "not good" news so lets just forget i said anything please?)
35 comments:
I'm lining up the cheerleaders and handing out pompoms as I type!
love you, Pam. much love and happy thoughts for you and your family.
Leslie
staying positive :)
Deb
Please don't get mad at me...I just had to tell you this.....
Specialists told me many years ago that I would never have another child....I gave up, my sister didn't..she called in for prayer for me...I got pregnant ten years after my first child, and two years after the doctors told me I would never get pregnant again...I had a beautiful 8 lb. six ounce little girl! She is 24 now. There is a HIGHER PHYSICIAN that knows more than any here on earth. Keep positive!!!
love,
Carlene
I will pray for your children as you asked and will also still be praying for you. You have really been fighting hard Pam and I would expect no less from you at all. By the way isn't there a birthday girl coming soon? Wishing you comfort and strength. Stay strong. Hugs!!!!!! TerryAnn.
Pam,
Trusting that you are exactly where you need to be at this time, and surrounded by the best care and support. I am holding you and all who love you in my thoughts and prayers.
Love and Blessings,
Auntie Lyn (Lynda)
[img]http://photobucket.com/albums/v480/ashlynmm/smileys2/th_bloww.gif[/img]
If memory serves me correctly, Pamela, you're missing something from your list to focus on -- your tattoo! I don't recall an entry stating you got it (it was oriental writing w/your kids name on it), so I'm going to take the liberty & request you put that on your list to focus on!
And something else -- something fun -- something that possibly could help others with cancer. I'm designing a bra to be auctioned off for Breast Cancer. The theme is "brassieres embellished beyond your wildest dreams" and I would love if you would be my co-designer. IF you're interested, IF you're up to it, doodle a design measuring 3" X 6" and I will turn it into a crocheted bead design for each cup. Your inner strength is inspiring, Pamela, and if you opt to take up this challenge, I'm sure your design will reflect that.
In the meantime, positive thoughts & prayers are with you, your children, and your family.
~Dee
www.crochetingwithdee.com
Hey, we can all use to get our affairs in order - it's so easy to get them messy. But that is just record keeping. We all know of people, or even are people, who have gone against what the stats say. The exception proves the rule. Your attitude is worth a billion dollars. I am positive you will surprise that doctor!
xoxo
COURAGE
doesn't always roar.
Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at
the end of the day
saying,
"I will try again tomorrow"
(Courage is you, my friend)
Zoe Holst
Chgo, IL
jandnchgo@hotmail.com
I for one am ready for Spring and another look at an Accidental Garden by Pamela... I know it's supposed to be an accident, but I'm looking forward to another - you better get those bird seeds out Pam... :-) Glad you're back, I missed your smiling words... Rochelle
It ain't over till the fat lady sings.. and I don't hear no singin'!
I'm still praying with all my heart.. .and thinking postively positive!!
Hugs,
Jackie
Milk Thistle!!! Hmmm I've a garden full of thistles, wonder if I can find the recipe :) Courage is your middle name, you're a super lady so in my thoughts you willl be as well as your children. Stay focused and keep fighting, you're a brilliant fighter. Rache xx
I can't comment. My tears are in the way!
Missie
Hey mircales can and do happen all the time.
You have a great possitve outlook and that is part of the battle.
Did someone say you have a birthday coming up? Can't wait. Love birthdays.
I will continue to pray for you as well as your children.
I don't want to talk about anything you don't so I had better shut up now.
Love,
Kathy
prayers for your kids and for you for strength...keep fighting the fight Pam, you are amazing, inspiring, and your positive spirit shines through...
Miracles can happen and they do Pam. My brother--in-law Ron was told he had 2-4 weeks this past Tuesday, today Doctors come in and say what they'd given him for past several weeks shows signs of some tumors shinking, some look as if they have disappeared. He's never given up, has kept his spirit high like you dear, so today we have hope. Keep positive and if anyone can, it's you Pam.....AJ
Pam we are here for you and if you need to email me or IM me and say anything you need to say I can listen. We are your friends and are in the fight with you. You go girl and win!
Love
Linda (llbrown247@aol.com)
Praying Pam (as always)
Whatever the outcome, live each day to the full, savour every moment, and just LIVE! (That goes for all of us) xxx
Suzy (http://suzy.theshipmans.co.uk/blog/)
I'm with you all the way.
Hi again, Pamela,
As I was thinking about you today I got a bit miffed over the comment your oncologist made in thinking you're wasting your money on dietry supplements. I'd like to send him a big raspberry (plth th th th); it's up to you to think if it should be a flirtaious raspberry or not, but I'm thinking if there's a chance the suppliments will help, in whatever way they can, along with all the other stuff you must do to fight, then it should be encouraged!
So, I have another dietary supplement for you: wild blueberries. Their antioxidants are supposed to be awesome. I did a search on the Internet again and thought you might find this interesting: http://www.newstarget.com/006993.html -- and since you're working on gaining weight, lets make this a yummy blueberry ice cream, on top of a wonderful blueberry pie. How does that sound? Yummy?
Thinking of you,
~Dee
www.crochetingwithdee.com
No sympathy allowed. Just admiration, and prayers all around.
No sympathy from me. Just a lot of prayers,
and positive vibes being sent your way.
Love you Pam. Your strength amazes
me.
~Connie
My ex always said that if you wanted sympathy, you could find it in the dictionary . . . somewhere between sh** and syph****! I'm going to be in the cheering section all the way, Pam. We pray for you daily - and we serve a wonder-workin' God. Blessings, Penny http://journals.aol.com/firestormkids04/FromHeretoThere
Pam,
Sympathy is for the pitiful, you, my dear, are POWERFUL!! I've never in my life known anyone like you. You are living proof of the power of prayer and optimism. I have no doubt in my mind that you've got new tricks up your sleeve to amaze and inspire not only us, but the experts. I hope you can feel the power that surrounds you and that you never stop believing in that power.
Melissa
Well you will just have to show him, won't you? You have a great attitude which has pulled you along this far and it will serve you well. Keep fighting the fight and know that you have a ton of people in corner :-)
Sharon
It's forgotten. =)
Love,
bridgett
Pam ..... I'm glad to see that you are at home now. And I am sending lots of POSITIVE thoughts and prayers your way. Tina
Pam your positive attitude will see you through ~ we are all thinking of you and sending prayers your way ~ Ally
Pam, keep up your fight! I will pray for your whole family. Peace, love and strength.
Much love and admiration,
Tammy
Pam, you go girl, you will beat this xxx
shhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...not a word!!!! just know we all love you and are rooting for you!
Becky
I have learned that statistics used this way are meaningless. You are an individual and they cannot factor in what the human spirit can do. While I do pray for your children and you for strength, I am holding firmly to the belief that you are a strong woman who can defy the odds. Keep on keeping on! OX
Pam!!!
If people laid down and died everytime the doctors told them too there'd be a lot of people dead today that are still walking around.
Keep that in the center of your mind and heart. Expect a miracle.
I will pray not only for your children but also for healing for you and peace for you.
I totally and completely understand the pity thing. Oh boy do I.
Love my friend....love.
xxooxxooxxooxxooxxoo
my big sister... my favorite hairstylist and fashion designer... I love you so much... i wanna be like you when I grow up...
Nancy
http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/updateonpam/
I'll never tell!! YOur secret is safe with me. Never give up and never stop smiling!
Carolyn
http://journals.aol.com/shelt28/MyLife
When I read this entry, I really wanted to comment Pam. I have been reading you journal, but never commenting. I didn't know what to say. I didn't have the courage. I'm sorry I never had the courage to.
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