Day 189

where does time fly when you're having fun eh? ;-)

christmas is over .. in my head i know its over but i can't figure out why they're still showing christmas commercials on TV and why they're still selling aisle after aisle of christmas decorations in the stores .. its like somebody is wanting to pretend it isn't quite over yet .. i suppose you can't start paying the bills for christmas until its over eh lol

my radiation treatment has changed .. its been so long since i've written i had to go back and read my journal, just to refresh my memory .. they are calling this "boost treatment" .. they're not radiating my entire chest area, but they're directing it only to the tumor in my right lung and the infected lymph node on the right side of my neck .. and i think i'm getting a total of 10 or 12 of these

the area marked in red at my collar bone, is where they are radiating my lymph node and the area marked in black is where they aim the radiation through at an angle to the middle of my chest to "get" the tumor



for those new to my journal, i do not have breast cancer, i have lung cancer .. the incisions you see are from the biopsies and inserting the mediport for the chemotherapy .. i am simply trying to hold my breasts so that anyone interested can see where they are applying the radiation without having to get an unnecessary view of my breasteses :)

i'm relieved because there are a couple of places on my neck and chest that are really burned and have been driving me crazy with the itching .. i think i'm supposed to have 10 - 13 boost treatments .. if i get to vote, i'd like to vote that the treatment end now please .. i have grown extremely weary of playing hide and seek with my lung cancer ..

the change over in my pain medication did NOT go smoothly .. the doc finally decided on low dosage morphine patches and a slightly higher dosage liquid morphine for the more intense pain .. the liquid morphine the doc prescribed wouldn't be in stock until wednesday (yea, that was yesterday), somebody at the drug store decided that my insurance company wasn't going to cover any more morphine patches .. so basically i endured the entire weekend without pain meds .. which of course made it impossible for me to eat or drink .. every single office was closed until tuesday and when i finally got to see my doc tuesday, he decided to try to hold me over with 20/mg morphine cause the 10/mg hasn't arrived at the pharmacy .. all in all, with all the side effects, i've decided i don't like morphine .. the lit bitty baby patches are ok .. i can tolerate those .. but anything higher than that scares me .. i want a medication that relieves my pain and discomfort .. i DON'T want a drug that makes me feel like i'm under the influence .. i ended up having nightmares about the plague .. and when i woke up at 8:30 am yesterday morning, i was so confused and weak from not being able to eat ..

(sorry .. i had to take a break from crying ... err, i mean writing) in my current state of mind, there is nothing scarier than having a nightmare and not being able to tell if its real or a nightmare .. i just get so confused at times .. not knowing which medication i just took because i forgot to write it down .. not even knowing what today is because i moved the calendar and now i can't find it .. so yesterday all i could do was wait until 9 am when i could call my mom so she could un-confuse me and tell me what is real and what isn't .. and mom reminds me to drink my after with my soy shake .. and she reminds me to remember to take it one day at a time .. and she keeps reminding me that she loves me .. and she knew right away that my nightmare about me having the plague wasn't real .. and she reminds me to eat something (which sounds silly, but i don't want to eat cause it hurts)

so at 10 am yesterday, i went to my radiation appointment and called my mom when i got back home .. and she tells me my lil sis Nancy and my brother-in-law Keith are bringing my mom here, to my house in california, from where they live in las vegas maybe as early as this weekend .. so she can hold my hand and tell me what things are real and what things are just in my head .. and she can hold me when i cry and she will tell me its going to be ok when i get scared from coughing up blood .. and mom will remind me to make my lists of which medications i'm supposed to be taking and i'll help by reminding her to check her blood and to take insulin ..

and my mom tells me not to worry about having to act all grown up around her .. that its ok for me to cry and be scared .. after all, i was crying the first time she ever laid eyes on me :)

(thank you Nancy and Keith and YOU too mom !! i love you all so much and i see you soon !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)