Day # ?? - but i know its saturday 7:34 am - my time

why does it feel like its been days since i updated my journal?  i updated on thursday, today is only saturday .. it really hasn't been that long right?  from where i'm sitting, the past few days translate into probably over 100 cigarettes that i didn't smoke

i ended up talking to my daughter on thursday instead of driving over to visit briefly for her birthday .. i had dropped her gift off on their porch earlier that morning then scurried off to the safety of my bed to soak in the multitude of prescriptions that i have coming out of my ears .. odd .. my ears are probably the only thing i don't have a prescription for (did i just end a sentence grammatically incorrectly? ::shrugging::)

oh well .. welcome to my head noise :)

and i think i've discovered that i'm slightly allergic to vicodin .. i don't seem to react the same with liquid vicodin though .. WHY am i taking vicodin you ask?  well .. let me try to remember .. ok, a variety of reasons .. it started, if i recall correctly, with needing some relief from some incisions in my chest for the odd assortment of surgeries, biopsies .. etc .. then it developed into needing relief from the pain in my neck and back, the result of laying still for hours on hard cold flat surfaces while they scanned every conceivable place that cancer could be hiding (a very uncomfortable and expensive version of "Hide & Go Seek ~ Come Out, Come Out, wherever you are !!!")

and now, after 8 treatments with radiation from the middle of my neck,  to below my breastses, the cells previously lining in my esophagus are dying off and leaving the scene of what was once a wild party in my throat .. and trust that their leaving is painful .. emotionally as well as physically .. i had kinda grown attached to those cells lol .. oh, should i have said "they had grown attached to ME?!?!?!"

::cough cough:: ::swallow swallow:: .. just checking to make sure its all working .. and its ok as long as i don't try to swallow anything .. add one little ingredient like water and it changes things .. so i take liquid vicodin now .. cause i like to eat and drink :)

that sure was a very long answer to a very simple question

again, welcome to my head noise .. its crazy up here .. get used to it or you'll go insane from the sheer volume, trust me

i think i've got chemo brain again.. yesterday i received my 2nd of 6th chemotherapy (what is the plural for chemotherapy?) and life doesn't feel the same .. or i don't think i feel the same .. i am having a lot of issues trying to remember what i feel or think for that matter .. the task of trying to remember what i am doing, need to do or want to do is another entirely separate and confusing matter

i briefly got to visit with my MIA neighbor .. the wonderful hummingbird lady .. its a long story i've told before in my journal .. she came home for thanksgiving .. we met briefly in my driveway, then i think she went home to get something cause i remember sitting on the couch waiting for her to return .. i gave up after 2 hours and went to bed wondering if i'd said something or done something to offend her .. then i realized i could have just been really confused .. and was sitting and waiting for nothing .. sheesh .. i need to remember to email her to make sure she didn't drop off the face of the planet since thanksgiving eh

i know some very important things have happened in my life and i'm going to forget them .. or forget to mention them .. i keep thinking i should write some of this stuff down so i don't forget .. so here i am and i can't remember what i wanted to write

for the life of me all that comes to mind is wanting to share that i spent my entire evening last night watching That 70's Show reruns (a TV show i've never seen before so its all new to me lol) .. it was some kinda marathon .. and today i had to look up George Carlin's Seven Dirty Words so i could start using the numbers in place of the actual words .. come to find out, i'll only be using 2 numbers .. number 1 and number 3 .. the rest are useless to me .. of course i can't say the words, you have to look them up or perhaps you're a child from the 70's that actually has some fragment of memory of those times lol

oh, and i had a rotten day yesterday .. i woke in the middle of the night, in a drug induced haze and ended up kicking my bed ouching my little toe .. which really wasn't much of an ouch until the liquid vicodin wore off at 2 am and THEN my toe really hurt .. i ended up splinting it right after i got of out of bed and jammed my toe into the dining room chair .. thankfully its not broken .. just bruised .. i really didn't need a broken toe on top of all this ya know !

and my Sister Susie is coming over in half an hour .. and i can't remember why .. she just called to let me know she was on her way .. i sounded confused i guess so she asked if i was expecting her .. i answered yes, i knew she was coming over i just wasn't expecting her to call ..

and when i hung up i started crying cause i hate being confused .. i have so much to do .. stuff that i can't put off .. my life is kinda depending on me taking care of myself and i can't think straight .. i don't know if i've eaten .. i don't know if i'm hungry .. i know my house is a mess and the christmas presents i ordered for my kids are arriving .. and i know i'm supposed to call my mom at 9 but i need to call her and tell her i can't talk cause i have company .. cause my sister is coming over but i can't remember why

so i just sit and cry .. i don't think i have a pill for tears

sorry y'all .. i tried to warned ya about the head noise :)