since i started my journal way back on July 20, 2003, its purpose has become varied .. mostly i've felt it was my place to get my head noise out of my head and down on "paper" .. an exercise, if you will, that has always seemed to help me figure things out .. sometimes i just wanted to share good or happy stuff that happens in my life .. a lot of it dealing with my experiences volunteering at the humane society .. then i was diagnosed with cancer .. and this has become my cancer journal .. i still have other stuff happen on occasion, but mostly this journal seems to revolve around the fact that i have cancer .. kinda like my life now seems to revolve around my cancer
my social life has basically been reduced to healthy people who have volunteered to help me out with a chore or two .. i used to have weekend long visits with my sister Susie, when i was receiving full dose chemo, she'd pick me up on friday mornings, sit with me through chemo and then spend the entire weekend with me .. but those visits stopped when the full dose chemo stopped .. when i had my restaging appointment on Nov 4th, Aunt Susie volunteered to go with me to hold my hand ..
at both "little" chemos that i've gone to since, somebody asks "where is your sister?"
ya see, i have this little issue .. i have a hard time asking people for help .. instead i let them know i have a "need" if you will, and wait to see if they volunteer .. i told my immediate family and friends that the docs expect me to be flat on my back after week 4 of radiation .. thats from dec 12th forward
i expect that i will need rides to chemo and radiation after Dec 12th .. thankfully thats about the same time that both my kids will be home from school and i've asked them both to help out and take care of me .. my son "warned" me that 2 weekends he'll be going snowboarding .. when Aunt Susie asked me if there was any place she could fill in, i told her about the 2 weekends my son would be gone
i thought that was what she came over yesterday to talk about .. i wasn't quite sure what we were going to do after we discussed my chemo schedule so i had made lists of things we could do .. shopping, errands .. chores .. just stuff .. cause i wasn't sure exactly how long the discussion was going to last and didn't want her to get bored lol
but she lied about her intentions ...
don't get me wrong, this is NOT gonna be a "pick on my little sister day" .. i've just got a lot of one rolling around in my head and for the life of me can't figure out what the three happened to my life .. what happened to the relationship i THOUGHT i had with my sister .. how can one person be convinced they have such a wonderful relationship with someone only to find out the other person feels crapped on?
especially when i thought i was treating her with respect, appreciation, concern .. i never wanted her to feel like i was taking advantage of her giving nature or didn't appreciate the effort she made in my life .. i couldn't have gone through the chemo without her help .. i tried as many ways as i could to let her know .. and i failed .. big time according to her
THAT is why she wanted to come over yesterday .. jeez .. if i ever stop crying i'll write this down .. i still am shocked .. and my heart is breaking .. seriously .. that my little sister could end up feeling so crapped on by me .. that i could make her feel "disrespected, unintelligent, controlled and manipulated" makes ME wonder what kind of person i am that i could make anybody, let alone somebody i love and respect so much, feel that way .. is there a monster hiding under my cancer? why don't i feel like a monster?
when she started explaining how it annoys her when she drives me someplace and i tell her where to park, i almost laughed out loud with relief .. ok .. i'm a backseat driver .. EVERYBODY hates those !! i can't fault her there .. even i hate backseat drivers .. but then when she threw in that she felt i do this in an attempt to control her because i don't respect her driving abilities .. my jaw dropped
she went on to explain that when i interrupt her i am being rude .. but she's not allowed to interrupt me because then i lose my train of thought .. so i'm rude and controlling and not respecting her right to finish a sentence
and when she tries to leave or hang up the phone, i never let her go, so i am attempting to manipulate her into staying longer
my jaw stayed dropped the entire conversation .. i think there was a comment or two in there about how i make her feel like "the hired help" and i make her feel "stupid"
i sat there, quite honestly, feeling like i'd been hit by sniper fire .. i can't remember the number of times i had talks with my sister .. to let her know that if i was doing ANYTHING wrong to please let me know so i could change it .. because i wanted her to feel good about helping me .. and i knew how hard it is to take care of someone, especially someone difficult .. and i knew how frustrating it could be to try to have a conversation with me especially with the chemo brain and being confused all the time
i was so afraid that i'd do something wrong and i'd lose her .. and i think it was her that told me "don't worry .. we're in this fight together, until the end" .. but maybe now i think i got her confused with someone else
cause yesterday, before she left, she told me to think about what she's told me and i needed to figure out if i am willing to change so she can stay in my life because she refuses to stay in my life if i can't treat her like she deserves to be treated
and she could arrange her schedule to take me home from 2 chemos but she wouldn't be able to stay .. i told her not to worry, i'd take a taxi
and then she got her stuff together to leave
and i had more stuff to tell her (i even wanted to show her my bruised toe) but i was afraid she'd think i was trying to manipulate her into staying longer so i kept my mouth shut
and she drove away .. and i think i feel like i lost my best friend ..
and i don't understand how i can make her feel disrespected when i RESPECT HER .. or how i can make her feel STUPID when i don't think she's stupid .. i still give her credit for hating a back seat driver .. but i swear i only try to keep her on the phone cause i like talking to her .. but i'm going to stop trying to keep her on the phone cause i know she hates it
and i won't try to keep her from leaving when she comes to visit .. cause i know she hates that too
but mostly i have a feeling i won't need to worry about most of this for awhile .. because i don't want to see her or talk to her .. i ended up hurting somebody without intending to .. and i hate when that happens .. ya see, i gone and screwed up the relationship with the one person who helped me through all of this .. and i ain't feeling too good about myself
i don't know if it helped, but i told her i was sorry .. really really sorry
good people .. hero's .. kind people .. they don't "lose" their little sisters
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18 comments:
Pam, my heart broke for you after reading your journal entry. Know you are going through a tough time right now; sure this is hard on your Sister also. Never doubt that she loves you dearly, she could just be going through some things in her own life that she's not ready to talk about. With your kids coming home soon, just try to allow yourself to enjoy their being with you and helping you out as much as they come. Just take it one day at a time Pam, know you have so many things going on in your life, with your health and your treatments. Know you have mixed emotions right now after your Sis' visit and talk, give it a few days, then sit down and write your Sis and tell her all that you are feeling in your heart and your appreciatioin of what she's been doing to help you out and how much you love her. Sisters in all walks of life have their ups and downs; love mine dearly as I'm sure you do; but we don't always see eye to eye because we are now adults and our lives take us down different paths. She just needs a little break, she'll be back as loving and caring as before. Don't let this get to you dear. Cancer is tough on everyone; the one going through it and all those who love you, so hang in there. Just wish all of us in journaland who care about you, could be there to help you out, so the best I can do sitting here in South Carolina is to say hang in there dear, I care and send my hug through the computer to you. Don't let this get you down, the most important thing dear is to keep your spirits up.......Hugs to you......AJ
Pam,
Honey, I'm so very sorry that you have had to share
one single tear. With everything your dealing with,
the things your sister pointed out to you seem rather
petty. I find myself wondering if maybe she is just
dealing with her fear of your cancer by lashing out
at you. People do strange things with they feel like
they have no control over a situation.
I hope with all my heart that you and your sister can
come to some sort of understanding.
Sending you much love,
Connie
This entry was very hard to read. My heart goes out to you big time, especially since it's so hard for you to ask for help. Your sister's issues sound very petty in the big picture, it might be old "sister stuff" from the past. Have you looked into volunteer programs to help with transportation or helping at home? It can be nice to have that extra help and the family can pitch in when they want. Concentrate on being well and taking care of you! You deal with pain using the best of drugs, humor. Awsome warrior woman!!!
Tammy
Sweety! This entry has gone and broke my heart! I can only imagine how horrible you must be feeling! BUT lemme look at it another way k? Just for comment sake here.
Lets look at it from her point of view? Her sister has cancer. Think of how awful that must feel for her to deal with. She cannot do anything except help you in the ways she is. I may be speaking for myself here, but sometimes anger and hurt come out in the wrong ways. Like, for instance, something may be going on in her life right now that is causing her stress, grief...pain. And she took it out on you.
Not that its right.
But we are all human and Im thinking she destressed to you, she literally took it out on you. And now your the one feeling hurt.
I think you are amazing and beautiful and strong as hell, no one can take that away from you. Let your sisters words slide away and remember that anger comes out wrong.
It always does.
Im sending you smiles and warm hugs Pam! You take care ok?
~Shells xoxo
http://www.spankgraphics.com/blog.html
I'm so sorry, sweetie -- you don't need someone else's issues right now, even if the someone else is your beloved sister.
People are strange. People's brains play strange tricks on them that are sometimes beyond understanding. My guess? Understand that I am not a psychiatrist, nor do I play one on TV, but I think she is preparing herself to lose you. She loves you so much that she is afraid she will completely fall apart if you die. Of course, none of that is present in her conscious mind. Her subconscious is making her feel these things in order to fool her into believing that you are not as nice a person as she knows you are; in order to fool her into believing that she loves you less; in order to fool her into believing that if you die, she will not feel as bad, because you were not nice to her. She is not aware of any of that. Her brain is operating completely as a rogue agent here. It's not her fault. I have no idea what you do about it, but I bet someone at a cancer support group does.
-Paul
Oh Pam...my stomach is all in knots after reading this. You have been through so much and to lash out at you now....is the equivelent to kicking a scared little puppy. I'm not sure why Suzi would do this, except maybe she is having a hard time watching you suffer and instead of being angry at the cancer....she is angry at you for being sick, ya know? Not that I think it was right, but I'm trying to find a way for you to understand it. The thing that you can't do, however, is blame yourself....this isn't over such silly issues as you telling her where to park and trying to get her to stay longer. This is something much deeper, Suzi is hurting too but doesn't know how to deal with or channel her emotions about everything. She needs a support group, she needs a place to vent all her feelings and frustrations.....it will make her feel better and keep her from using you as a punching bag again. Shame on little sister.
I would give it some time.....it will give her time to cool down and straighten out what is going on in her head, and give your heart some time to heal. I think it will all be good between you once again...I can promise you it will. In the mean time....try not to let it rip you in two anymore, you need all your strength to handle your chemo. You need your energy to help your body heal from the radiation and you need your positive attitude to fight this cancer.
You didn't "lose" your sister sweetie, it sounds to me as if she has lost site of herself right now. You are good people, you are kind people, and you are a hero....you keep that pretty chin up and fight! {{{{Pam}}}}
All My Hopes & Prayers.......
Pooh Hugs,
Linda~
{{{{Pamela}}}} This is so hard. Care-gving/care-accepting can be so stressful for everyone involved. I'm sure your sister is just overwhelmed. I suppose it's good for her to try to relate her feelings, but it doesn't look like it came out sounding very good.
It's not YOU, Pam. It's the situation. Don't you feel like you're the villain here. And your sister isn't, either. It's just like when your daughter shrank back from you right after your diagnosis. It's hard for those close to you to BE so close to the reality of your illness. Forgive them, if you can. And definitely "forgive' yourself. You didn't ask to have cancer, and you're dealing with it the best you can. Lisa :-]
email "this" particular head noise to your sister immediately, silly girl.
you have not lost her.
I'm glad she had the courage to tell you how she really felt, even if it risked hurting you - a lot of caretakers can't do that - at least honestly.
Cancer has a unique way of sucking the strength out of everyone involved.
and it has perfected the way of terrorizing all who stand up to it too.
And remember little hero/sisters hate the thought of losing big (and difficult) hero/sisters, especially because she still needs *you*.
you poor thing. at least you talked about it. Now you can work it out!
Carolyn
http://journals.aol.com/shelt28/MyLife
(((Pam))) You ARE a good person. And a hero, too. I'm sure that your little sister cried all the way home and hated herself when she got there. She may be so ashamed of herself that she doesn't feel worthy of your love now. But... being the person that I know you are, you will call her and help her through this. Even though part of me doesn't want to see you make this any easier for her. Big hugs, Lisa
Pam....
When Gil was so sick and I was taking care of him sometimes we would fight. And sometimes I would say mean and hateful things to him because I was angry. I was so mad that he sick and there was NOTHING I could do about it. So I lashed out at him and made things his fault. It is human nature.
I don't know your sister but I know people. I also know what it is like to be the healthy person and so afraid that you feel like you are losing your mind. Honey I am sorry she said those things and I bet she really doesn't mean them.
She is scared. She is scared to death and does not know how to put that into to words so she did the only thing she knew how to do.
It is the fight or flight thing that we are born knowing how to do.
I wish more than anything I could make this better for you. xxooxxooxxoo
awww. its ok... you really dont need people like her if shes gonna treat you that way... she really treated you horrible.... sigh........
but im still here for ya if you need me.. I wont EVER treat you that way :)
Hugs From Texas,
~ CM ~
Oh Pam. It sounds to me more like stress and frustration than actual anger at you. You just happened to be the most logical target.
You need to take every accusation she threw at you and tell her just what you told us. Just give her a few days.
XO,
bridgett
i think she is scared of losing you. What is really is , is that she feels like no matter what she does it isn't going to change. She was there for you through the bad times, you need to be there for her and let her know that you did not mean to belittle or hurt her in any way and that you understand how frustrating life can be. Just love her Pam, She really does love you, and that is why this is hitting her so hard. One day when you are all well, you will both look back on this day and shake your heads and say...Were'nt we being silly girls. Hang in there. Barbara
Oh PAm,
I am so sorry that you are having to go through this too now..something is eating at your sis....it may be the factt that you are the older sis and suppose to be there for and care for little sis and she can not handle the situation now that she is having to care for you....I know one thing she is under stress yes, but so are you.....I will send a little prayer up for you two sisters.
love ya,
Carlene
Oh Pam.... I'm so sorry you are going thru this on top of the cancer. For some reason I haven't been getting my alerts for over here. I popped over just in case you had posted and found like 4 posts <grrrrr>. Pushing button at top of journal to hopefully reinstate my alerts <sigh>.
Your sister is probably overreacting because she is under stress too. It is very difficult to watch someone you love be as sick as you have been. I think Plittle may be right and she isn't doing this conciously. And I also agree with him about checking with your cancer support resources ... I'll bet this has happened to others!
Take a deep breathe and try and focus on the fact the kids will be with you soon!
{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}
Sad to read about this.
Wishing you the best,
Judith
http://journals.aol.com/jtuwliens/MirrorMirrorontheWall
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