Day 161

and no Paul .. i haven't given up counting days .. did i ever tell you that when all this is said and done and i publish my book, the title is going to be the number of days we endured all of this .. besides, sometimes its easier to figure out a number than an actual subject line ;-)

today they have me on some liquid painkillers (ewwww .. they don't need to worry about me overdosing on THAT stuff) and a mouthwash called "Stanford mouthwash" ..  * Stanford's Mouthwash: Tetracycline, Nystatin, Hydrocortisone, Chlorpheniramine     (antibiotic, antifungal, steroid, antihistamine)

the pharmacist read the label on the bottle for me .. "gargle 20 minutes" .. eyes wide, i grabbed the bottle and continued reading "before meals" .. sheesh .. i almost saved me $14.10

the past few treatments, i've had a new radiology technician .. she's not rude, she's not grouchy .. she's just not .. well .. pleasant, let alone happy .. she is the epitome of technicians that i detest .. the kind that refuse to laugh at my expense

today while each technician was at my side peering onto my naked breasts (my breasts really WERE there, they were just kinda hiding under my arms .. they hate these procedures) .. when suddenly my cute funny male technician stands up headfirst into the radiation machine .. i could feel his pain and i think i saw one of two of his stars .. the female hitler said nothing .. i consoled him .. "now i know its not my lucky day .. had it been my lucky day, you would have fallen unconscious on top of me so i could have my way with you" .. he blushed .. the female hitler remained rigidly firm in her lifelong goal of never cracking a smile 

tomorrow i'm making an announcement .. i am at an unfair advantage .. i get to lay topless while people stroll around nonplused and as casual as if i were receiving manicure .. tomorrow this ends

tomorrow i level the playing field

tomorrow i announce that ANY technician not willing to endure the procedure with me ALSO being topless will have to find something else to do for 15 minutes .. in order for them to fully appreciate the level of humiliation and embarassment patients endure, i will ONLY allow topless technicians to work on me .. and i'll smile and i'm sure they're going to think i'm joking ..

and today is my daughters 15th birthday .. i had plans to drive to her dads house to drop of a little something-something but decided instead staying safely in bed, sipping liquid painkillers would probably be a safer bet .. so i dropped the package off at her dads house earlier this morning .. i would have loved to be able to see her, but i would have cried .. today is a very emotional day for me .. 15 years ago i gave birth to an 8 week premature baby, born at 4 lbs 3 oz, dropping to 3 lbs 10 oz .. we weren't even convinced she was going to live until she was 5 days old .. she's actually already died once .. i've actually threatened to complete the job on several occasions .. when she was 3 days old i refused to go to the hospital .. i had convinced myself that i was falling in love with her and if i stopped going to see her it wouldn't hurt as much if we lost her .. and she's been a fighter since she was born .. thats my baby :)