Day 166 - 'bout 7:17 am my time

today i undergo my 10th radiation treatment .. 10 down, 20 to go .. i'll be 1/3rd of the way through !!!  ::breathing a huge sigh of relief::

i was dreading the treatment yesterday, that one tech that absolutely refuses to crack a smile really bothers me .. in case you haven't noticed, i really am making an effort to remain cheerful and positive throughout this ordeal .. i simply do no have room in my life (or in my heart) for negative people .. thankfully she was gone yesterday and was replaced with a very sweet, good natured technician who kept trying her best to keep my breasts covered during the treatment .. her concern for my comfort really made me smile and i made sure that i let her know :)

i've had so much going on .. so many things happening that i wish i had time to write about .. i have been blessed with having so many wonderful caring and concerned people in my life who take time out of their busy days to bring a smile into my day .. i have been surprised with a gift of 3 new chemo caps (since i can't seem to stop giving them away lol thank you Dee and Rhonda !!!), i have a beautiful poinsettia sitting on my living room table (thank you Jeff !!), i have my two wonderful chemo angels Sandy and Erika (thank you both so much for all your attention !!) .. and i know i'm forgetting somebody important .. at least i think i am .. but then again i apologized to my sister Nancy for never thanking her for buying the sweater for my daughter and Nancy swears i've thanked her three times now lol

healthwise .. i'm exhausted .. i think its the radiation that has been irritating my brochial tube .. swallowing is difficult and i seem to be coughing a lot lately .. i guess its just part of the process of getting better .. i get up early in the day to get office work done, call my mom at 9 am and then off to radiation at 10 .. i know i should do grocery shopping or cleaning the house afterwards but i just don't have the energy

today i have the eye appointment for Laser Vision Correction to see if it is something that could help me .. i figure even if i chicken out or i'm not a candidate for surgery, i can get a new prescription for glasses :)  i would love to be able to see well enough to drive at night !!

i got a phone call from my son sunday afternoon .. he's coming home on the 19th !!  i'm crying just thinking about finally being able to see him again .. he says he's ok with taking me to radiation every day .. i'm relieved that if i get so tired i can't drive myself, i won't have to worry about that for a few weeks

i am kinda nervous about being around someone (my son) while i'm struggling through these treatments .. its one thing to have someone visit for a few minutes and another thing to have someone witness how sick i actually get after the chemo and radiation together .. kinda takes away all the glamour of being a cancer patient .. i know alot of you may not understand what i'm trying to explain .. its just that my children have never really seen me suffering .. and it breaks my heart that this is something that we have to go through .. i just wish i wasn't sick .. i just wish this wasn't something that i have to go through with them

when my son called sunday, i could tell he had just woken up .. he sounds so young when he's sleepy :)  he asked me if i knew how to download music .. i said of course .. he gave me the name of the artist and a song that he wanted me to listen to .. i didn't think much of it until the next day when i actually found the mp3 and the lyrics .. i hadn't realized my son was giving me a message .. not just recommending a good song

i'm not a rap person by any stretch of the imagination, but (thankfully) it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out what my son was telling me

(i hope its ok to copy lyrics in my journal .. i left a few of the words out since they really aren't appropriate)

the song is Hey Mama by Kanye West
KANYEWEST.COM
[Chorus]
(Hey Mama), I wanna scream so loud for you, cuz I'm so proud of you
Let me tell you what I'm about to do, (Hey Mama)
I know I act a fool but, I promise you I'm goin back to school
I appreciate what you allowed for me
I just want you to be proud of me (Hey Mama)

[Verse 1]
I wanna tell the whole world about a friend of mine
This little light of mine and I'm finna let it shine
I'm finna take yall back to them better times
I'm finna talk about my mama if yall don't mind
I was three years old, when you and I moved to the Chi
Late December, harsh winter gave me a cold
You fixed me up something that was good for my soul
Famous homemade chicken soup, can I have another bowl?
You work late nights just to keep on the lights
Mommy got me training wheels so I could keep on my bike
And you would give anything in this world
Michael Jackson leather and a glove, but didn't give me a curl
And you never put no man over me
And I love you for that mommy cant you see?
Seven years old, caught you with tears in your eyes
Cuz a guy cheatin, telling you lies, then I started to cry
As we knelt on the kitchen floor
I said mommy Imma love you till you don't hurt no more
And when I'm older, you aint gotta work no more
And Imma get you that mansion that we couldn't afford
See you're, unbreakable, unmistakable
Highly capable, lady that's makin loot
A livin legend too, just look at what heaven do
Send us an angel, and I thank you (Hey Mama)

[Chorus]

[Verse 2]
Forrest Gump mama said, life is like a box of chocolates
My mama told me go to school, get your doctorate
Somethin to fall back on, you could profit with
But still supported me when I did the opposite
Now I feel like it's things I gotta get
Things I gotta do, just to prove to you
You was getting through, can the choir please
Give me a verse of "You, Are So Beautiful To Me"
Can't you see, you're like a book of poetry
Maya Angelou, Nicky Giovanni, turn one page and there's my mommy
Come on mommy just dance wit me, let the whole world see your dancing feet
Now when I say Hey, yall say Mama, now everybody answer me (Hey Mama)

[Chorus]

[Bridge]
I guess it also depends tho, if my ends low
Second they get up you gon get that Benzo
Tint the windows, ride around the city and let ya friends know (Hey Mama)

[Verse 3]
Tell your job you gotta fake em out
Since you brought me in this world, let me take you out
To a restaurant, upper echelon
Imma get you a jag, whatever else you want
Just tell me what kind of S-Type Donda West like?
Tell me the perfect color so I make it just right
It don't gotta be Mother's Day, or your birthday
For me to just call and say (Hey Mama)