Tuesday, December 6, 2005

Day 166 - 'bout 7:17 am my time

today i undergo my 10th radiation treatment .. 10 down, 20 to go .. i'll be 1/3rd of the way through !!!  ::breathing a huge sigh of relief::

i was dreading the treatment yesterday, that one tech that absolutely refuses to crack a smile really bothers me .. in case you haven't noticed, i really am making an effort to remain cheerful and positive throughout this ordeal .. i simply do no have room in my life (or in my heart) for negative people .. thankfully she was gone yesterday and was replaced with a very sweet, good natured technician who kept trying her best to keep my breasts covered during the treatment .. her concern for my comfort really made me smile and i made sure that i let her know :)

i've had so much going on .. so many things happening that i wish i had time to write about .. i have been blessed with having so many wonderful caring and concerned people in my life who take time out of their busy days to bring a smile into my day .. i have been surprised with a gift of 3 new chemo caps (since i can't seem to stop giving them away lol thank you Dee and Rhonda !!!), i have a beautiful poinsettia sitting on my living room table (thank you Jeff !!), i have my two wonderful chemo angels Sandy and Erika (thank you both so much for all your attention !!) .. and i know i'm forgetting somebody important .. at least i think i am .. but then again i apologized to my sister Nancy for never thanking her for buying the sweater for my daughter and Nancy swears i've thanked her three times now lol

healthwise .. i'm exhausted .. i think its the radiation that has been irritating my brochial tube .. swallowing is difficult and i seem to be coughing a lot lately .. i guess its just part of the process of getting better .. i get up early in the day to get office work done, call my mom at 9 am and then off to radiation at 10 .. i know i should do grocery shopping or cleaning the house afterwards but i just don't have the energy

today i have the eye appointment for Laser Vision Correction to see if it is something that could help me .. i figure even if i chicken out or i'm not a candidate for surgery, i can get a new prescription for glasses :)  i would love to be able to see well enough to drive at night !!

i got a phone call from my son sunday afternoon .. he's coming home on the 19th !!  i'm crying just thinking about finally being able to see him again .. he says he's ok with taking me to radiation every day .. i'm relieved that if i get so tired i can't drive myself, i won't have to worry about that for a few weeks

i am kinda nervous about being around someone (my son) while i'm struggling through these treatments .. its one thing to have someone visit for a few minutes and another thing to have someone witness how sick i actually get after the chemo and radiation together .. kinda takes away all the glamour of being a cancer patient .. i know alot of you may not understand what i'm trying to explain .. its just that my children have never really seen me suffering .. and it breaks my heart that this is something that we have to go through .. i just wish i wasn't sick .. i just wish this wasn't something that i have to go through with them

when my son called sunday, i could tell he had just woken up .. he sounds so young when he's sleepy :)  he asked me if i knew how to download music .. i said of course .. he gave me the name of the artist and a song that he wanted me to listen to .. i didn't think much of it until the next day when i actually found the mp3 and the lyrics .. i hadn't realized my son was giving me a message .. not just recommending a good song

i'm not a rap person by any stretch of the imagination, but (thankfully) it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out what my son was telling me

(i hope its ok to copy lyrics in my journal .. i left a few of the words out since they really aren't appropriate)

the song is Hey Mama by Kanye West
KANYEWEST.COM

[Chorus]
(Hey Mama), I wanna scream so loud for you, cuz I'm so proud of you
Let me tell you what I'm about to do, (Hey Mama)
I know I act a fool but, I promise you I'm goin back to school
I appreciate what you allowed for me
I just want you to be proud of me (Hey Mama)

[Verse 1]
I wanna tell the whole world about a friend of mine
This little light of mine and I'm finna let it shine
I'm finna take yall back to them better times
I'm finna talk about my mama if yall don't mind
I was three years old, when you and I moved to the Chi
Late December, harsh winter gave me a cold
You fixed me up something that was good for my soul
Famous homemade chicken soup, can I have another bowl?
You work late nights just to keep on the lights
Mommy got me training wheels so I could keep on my bike
And you would give anything in this world
Michael Jackson leather and a glove, but didn't give me a curl
And you never put no man over me
And I love you for that mommy cant you see?
Seven years old, caught you with tears in your eyes
Cuz a guy cheatin, telling you lies, then I started to cry
As we knelt on the kitchen floor
I said mommy Imma love you till you don't hurt no more
And when I'm older, you aint gotta work no more
And Imma get you that mansion that we couldn't afford
See you're, unbreakable, unmistakable
Highly capable, lady that's makin loot
A livin legend too, just look at what heaven do
Send us an angel, and I thank you (Hey Mama)

[Chorus]

[Verse 2]
Forrest Gump mama said, life is like a box of chocolates
My mama told me go to school, get your doctorate
Somethin to fall back on, you could profit with
But still supported me when I did the opposite
Now I feel like it's things I gotta get
Things I gotta do, just to prove to you
You was getting through, can the choir please
Give me a verse of "You, Are So Beautiful To Me"
Can't you see, you're like a book of poetry
Maya Angelou, Nicky Giovanni, turn one page and there's my mommy
Come on mommy just dance wit me, let the whole world see your dancing feet
Now when I say Hey, yall say Mama, now everybody answer me (Hey Mama)

[Chorus]

[Bridge]
I guess it also depends tho, if my ends low
Second they get up you gon get that Benzo
Tint the windows, ride around the city and let ya friends know (Hey Mama)

[Verse 3]
Tell your job you gotta fake em out
Since you brought me in this world, let me take you out
To a restaurant, upper echelon
Imma get you a jag, whatever else you want
Just tell me what kind of S-Type Donda West like?
Tell me the perfect color so I make it just right
It don't gotta be Mother's Day, or your birthday
For me to just call and say (Hey Mama)

13 comments:

Anonymous said...

Thanks for sharin that song, Pam.... you did good on that boy there for sure :-D I am glad he's comin home soon... I wish that we could come see you for the holidays too. We love you!

Nancy & Keith

Anonymous said...

So glad your son gets to come home for Christmas!  He won't mind seeing you looking a little rough, he'll just be glad to see you!
Traci

Anonymous said...

This brought tears to my eyes!  I raised two teenagers having ALS (www.alsa.org) and they have such a hard time expressing their love and fears.  It truly helps them to be a part of your illness because it brings you all closer.  I have been given songs by my oldest and they meant so much!  Any pics wearing the new hats?  

Hang in there! {{HUGS}}

Tammy
http://mylifeasawarrior.blogspot.com/

Anonymous said...

you're a third of the way there pam - way to go!

I know that you hate that your kids will see you go through this - but remember this too, is an invaluable lesson you teach them -

illness is a part of life, struggles make you stronger, life is precious, and love alone, prevails.



Anonymous said...

Merry, merry Christmas to you Pam! What a wonderful loving son you have! Blessings falling down all around you in this holy season.

Don't ever worry trying to keep up a glamourous cancer patient life. I read your journal for the honesty and humor and that is what is so refreshing. For those of us with cancer in our families it is like a light of understanding of what it is about to be such a patient! Thank you for sharing with us so much. Suzy Colorado
http://adventuresatstarbelle.blogspot.com/

Anonymous said...

Pam, Your son is proud of you and rightly so. I hope his visit will give you a lot of time to spend together. Hugs, Nelle

Anonymous said...

Yay! 1/3rd of the way there!? Thats fantastic. And your son is coming to stay with you...that is a huge blessing! Time spent with eachother is a gift, no matter what. He sure does love you and is very proud. What a great song to tell you to listen to!

Aw, Im tearing up now...dangit.

~Shells xoxo :)

www.spankgraphics.com/blog.html

Anonymous said...

Your son sounds like a great kid.  

Seems to me like you're doing a wonderful job staying optimistic through all these treatments.  I'm sure it's not an easy thing to do.  

Hang in there!

XO,
bridgett

Anonymous said...

So happy to hear that your wonderful son is coming home to be with you. That's a lift I'm sure you needed! Bravo, Son!

Just remind him to find you here in the UK, alright? LOL


Take care and hang in there!


Jimmy

Anonymous said...

Pamela,

I don't know what's wrong with the link I've had to your journal, but it hasn't been working. Here I was thinking that you'd not been posting and then today, whala, I get to read you again. I'm so sorry to read of your trouble with your sister, it broke my heart to read it and not be able to do anything to fix it for you. I so would, if I could. Maybe she is just scared, or too sad, and this is her defense mechanism. I don't know, but I hope you two can patch things up. I know she has to love you, what's not to love.

So happy to hear about your son coming home. And what a sweet guy to send you that song. I've heard it before and I've heard him do it on Oprah for his Mom. Aren't sons grand?

Love and prayers continue coming your way, even when I couldn't read you.

Love,
Melissa

Anonymous said...

I love that song.  So cool!!!! Barbara Makes ya wanta hug um don it

Anonymous said...

Pam I am so happy for you that your Son will be with you for Christmas - hope the eye appointment goes well ....Keep positive about the treatment you are going thro' - it is so muich more advanced today than when I had it....and there is one thing I can tell you it does work....take care....Ally

Anonymous said...

Pam...I'm so happy you will be spending time with your son. What a great song he sent to you to express how he feels.  Let us know how the eye appt. goes.  I hope they can help you.
I was heartbroken to read what happened with you and your sister.  Give it time. Sometimes the pressures of life just build up a bit too much and we lash out.  Know that she still loves you....you haven't lost her.  I'm sure she misses you terriblly and feels bad for all of this.  Keep up the positive attitude.  I SOOOO admire you for this kind of attitude!  You are great!
Pamela