Saturday, November 19, 2005

Day 149

i just have a moment this morning .. my daughter came over last night and this morning i'm taking her to her aunt's hair salon where she works a couple saturdays a month

it feels like i spent the week topless, in physically uncomfortable positions while strangers drew all over me with felt tip pens in order to get me set up for my radiation therapy starting on monday (in addition to the stickers, 3 tattooed dots, a couple of "x marks the spot", i now have a drawing looking remarkably like florida between my breasts) .. i have to confess that its probably been the most stressed i've been since this entire mess was discovered back in june

what i've discovered (much to my chagrin) is that the tattoos they've placed under my arms and in the middle of my chest are aligned with the red laser lights from the radiation machine so that the radiation is directed towards my tumor and lymph nodes .. and it is necessary that i  be NUDE from the waist up in order to complete the alignment .. tuesday i walked out of radiation oncology noticing (hey, i may be old but i'm still a woman!!) the two very young, good looking male radiation technicians, thinking to myself "well, i'm glad i have female technicians" only to arrive friday to realize they've changed my technicians to guess who?

i must have been blushing all shades of red having these two young attractive men remove the sheet from my chest, peering closely at my chest, moving closer until their eyes are mere inches away from my chest, close enough i can feel their warm breath .. and i manage to whisper "ok guys, this is so embarrassing" .. to which one replies .. "don't worry, this is all medical to us" .. like THAT was supposed to make me feel better !?!?!?

i am not so old, nor so sick that i can't remember a time that i would lay topless in front of a male and it had AN AFFECT !!!  this really was humiliating .. and they've got me signed up 5 days a week for the next 6 weeks .. sheesh

since i decided to do the last week on my own .. i didn't get the benefit of the anti-anxiety pills or pain pills (until AFTER the appointments) and then, depending on how much office work i had to get done in the few hours left of the day where i felt i could function properly

a couple of times last week, i'd arrive home, stiff and sore from laying on the xray table for 2 hours, pop a pain pill, get comfy in my bed, only to have my phone ringing off the hook for the entire afternoon, employees needing assistance or direction on a few issues that have come up at the office .. they apologize for "bothering me" and i apologize for being out of it and doped up and not thinking clearly

the wonderful part of the week was my long awaited appointment with my chiropractor of 25 years .. i have to admit that after knowing her this long, she really does feel more like a friend than a mere doctor .. and i gotta tell you, Dr Nancy knows her stuff .. within minutes i could actually breathe easier and it felt like i could take deeper breaths, stand taller and the tension in my neck was relieved .. i'm going to be making another appointment for next week, hopefully to tune up the rest of my back .. its amazing when a doctor can do something and you can feel the effects immediately .. i walked out of her office feeling more energized than i've felt in weeks

the best part i think, after i thanked Dr Nancy for arranging for me to make payments, she handed me an invoice that says "balance due ZERO" .. and then i got a pretty terrific Dr Nancy hug :)

and in response to Kathy's question "will you still have your chemo angels?" .. the answer is YES .. because (lucky me) in addition to the daily radiation, i get weekly chemotherapy on wednesdays .. but instead of being the 8 hour chemo, every 3 weeks, it will be 2 or 3 hours, at a much lower dosage than before

i am so hoping that i'm going to be feeling normal on thanksgiving this thursday .. i've got my daughter promising to cook dinner and i've invited my niece, nephew and sister to spend the day with us .. i'm not sure yet if they can make it over the hill, but i have a feeling my daughter is not going to be able to pull off cooking the entire meal by herself, regardless of her priceless intentions lol

i've got a couple of pictures here to show the markings necessary to get me hooked up for my radiation therapy .. not pretty by any means .. not exactly the kind of pictures i ever believed would be posted of me on the internet hehe .. but here i am during different stages of the preparation for the radiation simulation last friday




31 comments:

Anonymous said...

and before anybody asks.. on my upper left shoulder is my first tattoo .. a small panther, claws extended with red blood (from the scratches) .. it was my first tattoo and small so i'm not exactly proud of it lol

pamela

Anonymous said...

Stay strong

Deb

Anonymous said...

So good that you had your appointment with Dr. Nancy to balance out everything else this week.  She sounds like a miracle worker...and a wonderful human being.

Hang tough girl.  Your attitude continues to amaze me.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Anonymous said...

Pamela
So often I read here and don't post, because I just lack words. I am still without proper words. I think it's AWSOME about Dr. Nancy. Now as to those handsome young radiologists, seriously I'd be feeling that embarrassment too.

God Bless you
Christy http://journals.aol.com/my3gifts/ChristysThoughts/

Anonymous said...

I see your bright beautiful eyes and warm smile. May God wrap you daily with his love. Thank you for allowing us to be a part of this life journey with you.


In Christ,
Gabrielle Gengler
Jefferson City, Missouri

Anonymous said...

Hey, it does kind of look like Florida! All you need is a graphic of Gamma heading towards us <grumble, grump... stupid hurricaines.. isn't the season over YET?>.

Please Give Dr. Nancy a great big J-land hug. That was just awesome of her!

Oh, and my stepfather when I was little had one of those panthers with the scratch marks on his upper arm, only much bigger. I remember being small and LOVING it because I've always loved large cats (i.e. tigers, leopards, etc <g>), but feeling a little sorry for him because the cat had scratched him. I also wondered what he did to it to make it mad enough to scratch him <LOL>
http://journals.aol.com/astaryth/AdventuresofanEclecticMind
http://adventuresofaneclecticmind.blogspot.com/

Anonymous said...

You are so brave to share all of this and that in itself is an inspiration to us all.  I am saying prayers for you.  GBU, Shelly

Anonymous said...

pam, you are so brave and wonderful.  dr. nancy is an angel on earth.  what a blessing to you!  thinking of you...~phinney

Anonymous said...

you are an amazing, strong, courageous woman, Pam.  I wouldn't have felt good with the male techs either.  That would be horribly upsetting for me, and as shallow as it may sound -- I would be especially upset that I didn't have an affect on them.  I understand what you are saying.  It may be medical, but you ARE a woman!!!

One note about your pictures -- how were you able to remain still while they did the ones under your arm?  I am so terribly ticklish, I don't know if I would be able to be still.  The ones between the breasts, would be extra sensitive.  I have the highest respect for you going thru all of this.  I pray to God that it gets rid of the cancer, and that you may be cancer free for the rest of your life.  ((((hugs))))    love, anna
www.annalisa135.blogspot.com

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry that the male techs said what they did.  I think they thought it would make you feel more comfortable.  Were the wrong!
I am glad to know you still have your chemo angels.  They know better than anyone else what you are going through.
I can't believe the pictures you are sharing!  LOL that is a lot of "tattoo" art you got going there.  Hey, maybe you should get you some "pasties" to wear next time you go in and see what the techs say about that!  hee hee.  I'm kidding.......but if anyone could pull it off I am sure it is you.

Kathy

Anonymous said...

Florida? I'm afraid they're having you on, luv. You've allowed them to draw a picture of a man's willy on your chest.
-Paul
P.S. How's my Brit Speak?

Anonymous said...

whew...i anxiously await your journal alert on my computer every day...i breathe a sigh of relief when you are feeling good!  thanks for sharing, caring and daring to be true.
love to you,
teri in east tennessee

Anonymous said...

Hi, pam.  Glad to hear you seem to be in good spirits.  come and visit us in the u.s. some time.  enjoy your vaction abroad. ((((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))))))
Terry Ann http://journals.aol.com./thegirlnexdoor77/GoinCrazy/

Anonymous said...

Pam,
Well, if you were modest there is no point in
being that way now is there!  lol
I'm with you all through this sweetheart!
Thinking of you,
Connie

Anonymous said...

Hi honey,
I am praying for you still...
Man they used up a whole box of crayons on you!!! lol
carlene

Anonymous said...

Don't forget to put your shirt on when you go out -
pretty soon you will be quite used to it being off!
I hope you have a great Thanksgiving :)
xoxo

Anonymous said...

Pamela, you look like you've actually put some meat back on your bones.  And you DO have a nice set of knockers, dear...  LOL!  Lisa  :-]  

Anonymous said...

Pam, it never ceases to amaze me that no matter what you are going thru with your cancers and treatments that you always find a way to tell all of us who support you what your days have been like with words that make us chuckle and smile; shows what a strong woman you are dear. How wonderful of Dr. Nancy to treat you and say account balance is zero and give you hug; she's certainly a compassionate, caring person; so glad her treatment helped you.

The pictures of your radiation markings,  all I could see was you and your beautiful face; glowing eyes and smile, you are one special lady Pam.  God bless you and may the treatments give you back your good health........AJ





Anonymous said...

Pam, now that they have you set up/marked up and tattooed up the treatments will go really quickly. I had to be topless and only wear bikini panties. Thank God my body was a lot better in those days! All my radiation markers were in the purple color and it wasn't sharpie it was something he put on with a long Qtip that really stayed on but ruined my nightgowns. I want so badly to be there to drive you and give you big hugs in person! I wish I could go to Dr. Nancy. My neck is being really strange and making cracking noises so loud that at work people are saying "What was tHAT?" I'm hoping it's nothing serious and that it will go away on it's own! I hope you and your family have a wonderful Thanksgiving. I look at it this way: each day is a gift for all of us. Some of us are just more aware of that.
hugs, Nelle

Anonymous said...

(((Pam))).  I'm so glad Dr. Nancy was able to make you feel better.  You are in my heart and in my prayers.  Hugs, Lisa

Anonymous said...

OMG That DOES look like Florida!  LOL  (Where were you during Election, 2000?)

I love Dr. Nancy.  I want a Dr. Nancy.  I want someone resembling Dr. Nancy.  Hope you're feeling good today.

~~ jennifer

Anonymous said...

You are sharing a very special journey that is a inspiration to us all.  You are never alone and that shows in your strength to tell this story.  Enjoy your Thanksgiving with your family and know we will all be giving thanks for you.
Bless you,
Tammy
mylifeasawarrior/blogspot.com

Anonymous said...

You are so strong Pam...Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us
during this trying time in your life ~ something so personal to you...you allow us
to go along for the ride with you...~ always know u are never alone...we are here for you every step of the way!  I hope ya'll have a wonderful thanksgiving...and I hope you have an appetite like no other on that day and are able to enjoy every minute of it...you are in my thoughts and prayers daily.....
Hugss..~Terri~

Anonymous said...

Hello Aunt Pam,

Since you were talking about tattoos, I wanted to tell you that I got my first tattoo for my 21st birthday, it on my left shoulder and it says Jordan! I reaaly like your first tattoo it's reaaly cute!!!

I love you and hope to see you soon!

Love Always, Amy Janelle

Anonymous said...

I'm glad that you have such a great chiropractor ... and how wonderful of her to do it for free, and that she made you feel better too!

Good luck with everything! :) You are in my prayers!

Theresa

Anonymous said...

i am not so old, nor so sick that i can't remember a time that i would lay topless in front of a male and it had AN AFFECT !!!  this really was humiliating .. and they've got me signed up 5 days a week for the next 6 weeks .. sheesh



Oh Pam......


I am sorry but I laughed.  A lot.  And I knew that you wanted us to.

Anonymous said...

I think what you're doing is wonderful.  You're making cancer seem real to a lot of people, including me.  I thank you for that.  

I think people often get so wrapped up in their own little words, they forget there are people struggling everyday with embarrassing and often painful procedures.  

I admire you so much, Pam.

XO,
bridgett

Anonymous said...

Pam
I'm wishing you and your family a very Happy Thanksgiving.  Let's hope your daughter does magic and it's a wonderful day for all of you.  This new stage of treatment brings you one more step closer to getting finished with tratments and being well.  My prayers are with you.
Sam

Anonymous said...

You have so much courage my friend. I feel so much better after reading your entries. I pray for you, I cry for you but your strength shows me that no matter what life throws at us, we can endure with grace and dignity. Have a wonderful Thanksgiving. One of the many things that I am thankful for is knowing you.

Anonymous said...

I'm so glad I finally figured this all out, I now know where you are and you now know how DUHHHHHHHHHHHHH Linda is :)

Sorry about the male techs, I HATE when they do that. I know they say it's medical to them but I agree with you, it's humiliating.....and I wish they's think of some way to apease them AND us! My Mom had a heart attack last summer and then bypass surgery. One morning I arrived at her room to find her bed empty and after a small search, found her down in the shower butt naked with a male nurse showering her!!!! My Mom is 75 years old and was MORTIFIED..... I'm just not sure they think all of this out very well!!  LOLOL! Anyhoo, I hope your Thanksgiving is wonderful....just hving your daughter close by will be all the blessing you need.

All My Hopes and Prayers.....

Pooh Hugs,
Linda~

Anonymous said...

Angel Girl...

You are so wonderfully giving to share you photos with all of us. You are so brave. Hey, you should have told those young techs when they were done..."Ok, I showed you mine, not you show me yours!" HA! Only fair! You know after looking at these photos...I was think on how wonderful it would be to have a gallery show on photos of the strength of Women going through treatment. What do you think?  I'll have to work on that! :-) Hmmm! I have to get a new camera! :-)