Sunday, April 2, 2006

day 281 - enjoying life and being thankful for my friends !!!

have i ever expressed exactly how much i despise daylight savings time?!?  let it be known now that i do believe that it is one of the worse "inventions" by man .. like my life (selfish me hehe) doesn't have enought to worry about, now i have to try to remember how to change all my clocks too ::big sigh::

i spent the day being lazy with my daughter !!  i had actually prepared a list of things that i wanted / needed to accomplish with her this weekend (mostly going through hair and beauty products that i want to make sure she doesn't want before i toss them out - or sell them at a yard sale)

nothing got done on this "list" except i got a wonderful hand massage ::big smiles::  the hand and foot massages really feel like they help get circulation back .. and even though i try to remember to keep doing little stretches and massage them myself, word .. it AIN'T the same hehe

it feels so good to just hang with my 15 year old daughter for a few days .. it was just a coincidence, but a week before i was diagnosed back in June, she went to stay with her daddy and 2nd mom for "a few weeks during the summer" .. because of my treatments and diagnosis, she ended up moving in with them a few months later .. i was (and still am) grateful to them both for stepping up to the plate and taking care of her .. we would both be so lost without them

it was just kind of ironic .. the timing .. i had just finished suing my ex for child support for the first time in the 11 years that we had been divorced .. i had asked for support before, a minimal amount .. but never followed through on it hesitant about "making waves" .. the court awarded me support just a few months (maybe 3 payments) before all hell broke loose medically speaking .. last week i called the court and requested that they drop the case .. i mean cummon .. rightfully they should now be getting support from ME .. and i gotta tell ya, because of the amount of medical bills i've got now, paying support would so screw things up for me .. i'm just thankful that he's agreed not to pursue support from me .. he said i have enough to worry about and he just wants me to concentrate on getting better .. and yea .. i'm getting all kinds of teary eyed because of the generosity and kindness both my ex and his wonderful wife have shown to me

i've always had what i felt was a very unique relationship with my daughter (who turned 15 back in december) .. with us, there don't seem to be any boundries about what we are comfortable talking about .. while my son will and does fequently tells me "i don't want to talk about it" .. i have never heard those words from my daughter .. in fact, i'll have to confess that there are times i get too much information !!!  i have always tried to give her advice that is realistic .. i try to give my children information so they can make the right decisions .. they've each been given the responsibility of making some decisions at a very young age .. i figured that way they could get a lot of practice and learn about consequenses before they were in a position to make decisions that effected their entire well being and their lives .. so far, i feel like i've done well by them both ((thankfully!!!!!)

i am sleeping so much better now !!!  before i was lucky to get in an hour at a time (which, trust me, does not make for a restful nights sleep lol) .. i now have a new routine .. dozing off usually around 10 for about an hour, then waking up for a few hours and falling asleep again around midnight and waking about 7:30 am .. i am able to sleep laying down now, and i don't know if its because of the pain pills or that my rib is slowly getting better, but i only wake up uncomfortable NOT in pain !!!  i like not being in pain so i'm a happy camper :)

for the sake of my daughters privacy, i'm going to keep this short and sweet, but she had her first big disagreement with her first boyfriend yesterday .. it made her literally sick to her tummy and my heart just broke for her .. all i could really do (i felt) was to let her know that every day that passes by will lessen her pain and that i was proud of her for being honest about making a mistake in judgment .. that (to me) it was difficult enough to admit to someone else that you'd screwed up bad .. but it was far worse to lie about it .. in my book, and hopefully my children's books too, its worse to be thought a liar than a person who made a mistake .. trust is a tricky thing and i've found that usually once trust has been messed with, it can be impossible to regain it .. and then i just held her .. she's such a wonderful girl .. a fighter for sure .. kinda like her momma .. she's been a handful since the day she was born 8 weeks premature .. and i adore her .. whole bunch, whole world ::big proud momma smiles::

i wanted to let everyone know (thems that reads my journal(s) that is) how much i appreciate that you are all so encouraging of my journaling efforts .. i know (really i do) how difficult "our" journey is .. and yea, i really do feel like you are here with me, taking this journey with me .. and i swear i'm not going to cry !!!  but i want and need you to know how good it feels not to be expected to have a happy face on all the time .. even though i try to remain upbeat .. sometimes all this just really gets to me .. reading your words of encouragment and support means the world to me .. it really really does .. i think i'll keep y'all around if thats ok .. you've each touched my heart in a very special way :)

i think i have 3 more things i need to vent about .. i am trying to go back to using my "hummingbird line gifs" to separate my thoughts (since i bounce around from subject to subject so much hehe .. i used to use the lines all the time and then got to the point where i couldn't even remember how to insert images into my journal .. thankfully that has gotten so much better !)

but i don't know if i have the energy to finish empty my head of all this noise lol

maybe i'll separate this into two entries .. this entry and a more serious one that people can skip over if they need to .. i wish i didn't have serious subjects that i need to write about but if i have discovered anything, its that my journaling friends seem to have a never ending supply of "different perspective" and helpful advice !!  how many times have i come to you seeking advice?  lots !!!  its so wonderful feeling like i can turn to you for a different perspective .. you've given me so many different ways of seeing my situation .. of coming up with resolutions .. do you know how much i appreciate you?

i think the last thing i want to share in this entry is how i feel about accepting gifts from people .. i've never (EVER) been comfortable accepting charity or gifts from people .. i don't mean birthday gifts and such from my family .. i have always felt that i was the one that gave .. i am more comfortable giving than receiving .. its my nature .. and its deeply engrained (sorry my spell check dictionary has gone and disappeared so you're gonna have to put up with my spelling errors today)

after i was diagnosed with cancer and shared the news with my journaling friends, the offers of help, financial assistance, advice, and offers of gifts started rolling in like i couldn't believe .. the offers made me extremely uncomfortable .. i NEVER wanted anyone to doubt what was important to me .. that every single gift of advice, support, encouragement, heck, just the fact that some of my friends keep coming back to share my journey with me makes me feel more blessed than i probably deserve .. i had seen other journaler's reputations get flushed down the toilet after rumors started about them faking an illness or faking their situation simply to get attention or gifts

i never ever wanted anyone to doubt what was important to me .. the fact that you are here, by my side .. means more to me than i could ever completely explain

and yet the offers of gifts kept rolling in .. i still don't quite understand why so many people are so kind to me (i am crying again .. cause i'm just so amazed at the kindness and generosity that you've shown me) .. maybe it means that i've touched your hearts like you've touched mine .. maybe it means that i've been blessed to be surrounded by some awesome kind people who go out of their way to make other people feel better .. i don't have the answer really, but i am blessed .. that much i DO know !!!

i think my change of heart started when i received the mass of get well cards from my friends and the awesome chemo angels .. perhaps it was the fact that i no longer felt afraid to give out my address to those who asked (people i was familiar with that is) .. i mean cummon .. lol .. if i feel threatened in anyway by any of my friends, i should probably see a shrink not an oncologist hehe

is it odd to confess that i have decided that i really like getting presents? LOL  there are days that i go to the mailbox and there will be a gift (or sometimes 2) from either a chemo angel or one of my journaling friends .. and i swear, i am like a kid in a candy shop LOL  i always end up in tears (the good kind !!) .. and i've come to the realization that i LIKE getting presents .. they make me feel good .. they make me smile, even the smallest things like receiving a tea bag or a bookmark .. its an awesome feeling that someone took the time to think about me and want to let me know !!

its strange how less important my "journaling reputation" is to me now than accepting kindness from my friends .. before i felt like my reputation was all i really had .. now i have to admit that i feel like i've won the jackpot when it comes to my friends !!  each and every single gift that i've received puts a smile in my heart .. and i have a fondness for smiling LOL  i have decided i like being happy !!! 

i DO have a question however (if you've made it this far through my ramblings today hehe) if i "brag" in my journal about the gifts i've received in the past few days, will y'all think less of me?  would anyone doubt my motivation of just wanting people to know how much their gifts mean to me or would it be seen as a possible attempt to solicit more gifts?  i know that i am now making an effort to thank each person privately .. trust that it breaks my heart that when my brain tumor was growing out of control, i didn't even open my mail for over 2 months let alone acknowledge the wonderful gifts i received .. i never want to get that sick again .. that is NOT who i normally am

so what do y'all think about me acknowledging gifts publically?  good? bad? questionable?  i really could use your input :)

its breakfast time .. i don't know if i have the energy to compose a downer of a journal entry today .. but i think i'm going to at least start another entry .. i can't believe just one girl can have so much head noise LOL

sending you hugs and kisses xoxoxox


geminiwilder said...

pam, acknowledge your gifts in your journal

sharing the joy they bring you could never be wrong!  i'm sure i speak for everyone (not that i presume they WANT me to speak for them, lol!)  when i say we would enjoy reading about the gifts that make you smile.  i have asked for your address because i would love to send you a handcrafted card or two, because that is my greatest hobby, making cards.  it gives me joy to make them and to share them as well.  

well, that's my input for today, hehe.  for what it's worth!   xo phin

ksquester said...

The gifts are sent with lots of love......besides how many times do you turn 50?  Anne

frauke141 said...

I have been following your journal...all the way from Germany. I lost my own mother to cancer when I was younger, and so your entries touch me for more than one reason. And hey, I'm curious about the presents you're getting! Tell us about them!

frauke141 said...

Oh, and feel free to check out my journal at if you feel like it...!

siennastarr said...

Pam, I think it's wonderful that people are taking the time to send you gifts and things to make you smile.  Don't you know that we do those kinds of things because we genuinely care, and since we can't be there with you to physically comfort you, we can at least show you, by sending a small gift or card, that we are there for you.  Sometimes people need to do these things for themselves.  Oh.. I don't mean they don't want to do them for YOU.. they do!  But.. we feel so helpless at this end of the spectrum, that sending you a small token of our friendship, love and compassion for your situation, makes us feel better.  So you are doing us a favor by accepting those gifts.. not only physically, but in your heart.  I don't think there is one person here, that reads you, doubts for one minute that you have Cancer, and that every word you speak is the truth.

You are such a hero and inspiration to so many people, Pam.  You have no idea!

Love you and praying for you, always..

thinkingoutloud said...

My my!
Your mind is on a roll early today.

I think it's great that you are now feeling comfortable accepting gifts from the "unknown".
Whether it's a tea bag or a bracelet it's a connection to you and the sender.

Pam, I still don't think you truly understand how you have touched our lives & hearts & souls.  I can't explain it either but you have.
I try so hard everyday to capture just a pinch of your strength and courage.
You amaze me.

Have a nice day-
Love ya-

sunflowerkat321 said...

I think it would be fun for all of us to hear what surprises you find in your mailbox.

I've been wanting to ask you for your address for awhile...but not sure how you'd feel about it. that I KNOW....could you email your address?

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{BIG HUG}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

lesliehydeart said...

Hey there!  I'm so glad you are enjoying the little gifts!  You must know it is only because we all care about you that we would want to do that.  I think it is good for you to mention it when you get a kick out of something!

Lots of hugs, and have a great day today!


debijanssen said...

Me too!  I neeeeed your address.    I've been reading your journal a long time and didn't know how to ask.....

deshelestraci said...

The fact that you get out of bed and fight this cancer every day gives me courage.  You are one amazing woman.  When you have a down day it's ok because you come back fighting.  Vent all you want and we will listen.

jckfrstross said...

its your journal go ahead and talk about your gifts and by all means thank the giver:)


lanurseprn said...

Pam...if you receive gifts and you feel like thanking the person in your public journal, I think it's ok.  Why not?  We all love ya!

rockierb said...

You should definately share your happiness and thankfulness when you receive a gift, that's part of your head-noise, after all.  And it makes us all smile, I'm sure, to see you happy - so share!!  I for one have wanted to send you something, but have hesitated to ask for your address, being an on-line thing and since you don't know me.  You are always in my thoughts and prayers and are a true inspiration.  Rochelle

onestrangecat said...

I would love to hear about what you have been getting in the mail!  

I am so happy that you got to spend some time with your daughter.  She really needs the time with you and you her.


ajquinn354 said...

Pam you go right ahead and thank anyone you want in your journals or privately, however you want to do it.  You've given so much to all of us with your words, laughter, I can tackle anything attitude and upbeat spirit, that is our thanks from you, you've touched all of our hearts. Sounds like you and daughter have shared some special moments, how wonderful.  I'd love to be included in those you share your address with so that I can drop in and say hi, I'm thinking of you, it would be an honor. Bless you.....AJ

suzypwr said...

You should write whatever you want to - and if that includes talking about your gifts, then do it!


shadierush said...

How could you not "Brag" about the gifts you recieve? I think it's wonderful that everyone is showing you so much support and that you are greatful enough to thank them publicly. Besides, after we missed you and worried about you for two months I don't really care what you have to say so much as I'm just glad your saying it!

ckays1967 said...

Well Holy Cow!!!!

I'd be sending stuff to you too if I KNEW how to.  I even found fabric with a garden and little signs on it.

I bought it for you...

Now I can get it to you.

May I have your address too?

Christina Brown

princesssaurora said...

I think you should express your thanks here because it will make you happy...damn the rest of the world.

prayers coming as always, Pam.

be well,

deabvt said...

People love you, Pammers.

linnpooh said...

I think that you should do whatever makes you happiest, because THAT is what makes me the happiest :)

All My Hopes & Prayers................

Pooh Hugs,

yankeygr said...

Yeah!!! Its about time that you accepted gifts that were sent from the heart. I dont think that its a bad thing at all! Take me, for example, I never know what to say to you that hasn't already been said. So if you'd let me, I'd like to show how I feel by what I can do for you.
I've been following your journal from the very beginning, when you found out about the cancer. I care about you as much as I care about any relative of mine. Really, I do! So please send me your address or P.O. box. Please! Let me show you how much you mean to me.
           Love ya, Rhonda

pennietoonz said...

I am not a fan of this new time change either!
When I was sick with leukemia, I had so many cards, gifts, money, etc given to me that it was overwhelming. I know how you feel about taking it, but you know, these people are kind and want to help. It`s nice to be taken care of and know you`re thought of. Isn`t it amazing? People you never even thought about helping are there! I even had customers from my job send me gifts! I loved knowing people were thinking of me and praying for me. It made  such  a difference!!
Stay strong, pray for guidance. Please know my heart and prayers are with you. My prayer is that I can use my experience to help others.