Sunday, April 2, 2006

the not so happy side of cancer

i've decided to try for 2 entries .. this one, more serious than the previous .. even though i wish i had nothing but good news, that just ain't my life :)

i appreciate the fact that so many of my journaling friends encourage me to share the not-so-happy stuff here in my journal .. i've decided to make this "serious" entry separate just in case anybody wants to skip over it :)

here goes ..

i have 3 journals that i'd like to find out if anybody would like to adopt .. no strings attached of course

i have kept a record of the Editor's Picks with screen captures since October 2004 (not updated since Oct 2005)

i have kept a journal where i tried to help other people with their own journals since October 2003 .. i have NOT updated this journal since the latest install where so many features were added or changed to our journals .. yet there i think there is still some useful information

and of course, the AOL Journal Directory that i started oh-so-long-ago

i know that there are still 20 or 30 people who access the directory daily, so even though i haven't updated it since December 1st, some people find that its still a useful tool (i still use it when i can't remember somebodys URL to their journal)

these journals, especially the directory, are my babies .. i really wanted to help the journaling community as much as i could so that each person could get as much enjoyment out of journaling as i have gotten

and i want to know if anybody wants to adopt any of my 3 journals .. no strings attached, i promise .. the journal(s) would be yours to have full control over .. i would prefer somebody who i know without a doubt would take care of my journals and update them for the other journalers .. i am not sure how the transfer would be done except for someone to copy entry by entry .. its going to be a lot of work for someone .. keeping the journals updated is also a lot of work .. i would hope to find someone who feels that keeping the journals would be rewarding

i think it would make me sick to simply delete these journals but its something that i need to take care of .. it would make me so happy to turn these over to people who would be excited about having them :)

hollar at me if you're feeling like you're up for the task k? hehe

i only have one more thing that i want to cover in this journal entry .. the other stuff is just too serious for me right now

i was sitting last night eating pizza with my baby girl when i reached up under my left arm to scratch an itch .. and i found another lump .. a baby lump .. can you say "freak out?" .. in my world, this is called "canceritus" (sorry i forgot the spelling) .. but its a common symptom of having cancer .. freaking out thinking every single thing (a cough, a bruise .. etc) is cancer .. when sometimes it is, sometimes its merely a side effect of some medication
(this baby lump is on the same side as the tumor on my rib .. yet way smaller)

without thinking, i was sitting with my daughter and was feeling this lump and i (tears) got so scared .. i don't want anymore tumors .. please .. i don't care if its nothing .. i just feel like i'm dealing with enough right now .. i don't want to have to deal with any thing else for awhile .. ok .. i am really scared ..

my daughter took my hand and felt the tumor herself .. "mom .. take a deep breath .. freaking out is just going to make you feel worse .. lets make a note to discuss this with your doctor and stop stressing about it cause it won't help .. besides, its just a baby" .. and she got my book of notes and wrote a reminder to talk to my radiology oncologist .. she wrapped her arms around me and comforted me .. like only my awesome daughter knows how .. and within seconds i had a smile back on my face .. knowing, i guess, that the only thing i can control is how i react to my situtation and i my attitude

Dr Raymond, my radiologist, is out of the office this week (mostly surgery) and i'd have to see somebody i don't know .. so i think maybe i'll call Dr James (my oncologist) about my newest lump .. its just that he was so casual about the lump on my rib that i feel he didn't really give me enough information .. it was more like "hey, these are common .. we'll just radiate it" .. i would be more comfortable having just a tad more information but i am hesitant about searchingthe internet for information about lung cancer metastazing .. there are just some things i DON'T want to know .. not now, perhaps not ever .. but i need to pick and choose when i'm ready for receiving perhaps devistating news .. i can only do what i can do to make sure the rug isn't yanked out from under my world unless i'm prepared

(example .. i don't ask, refuse to ask .. don't wanna know "how much time do i have left")  i'm kinda hoping when the fat lady is getting ready to sing that somebody will tell me, but until then, i don't want some self-profilled prophecy (boy did i get the spelling screwed up on that but my aol dictionary is still MIA) cause i intend on fighting this

and that is all i want to say about that .. except of course, that i'll fill ya in when i get any news .. i am trying to remain calm and not run off to the emergency room so i can get a diagnosis on my latest .. i just will refrain from giving it much thought .. but the LAST thing i will do is pretend that its nothing .. because being realistic .. it is something .. how serious it is will be the answer i'm looking for

now i need to shake these thoughts .. get the head noise to stop .. relax and distract .. eat?!?!?  now thats always a good distraction LOL

trivia time !!!!!!!!!!!

my favorite song .. one that has great sentimental meaning for me is "do you believe in magic" by the Lovin' Spoonful .. its MY song lol

OMG !!!  as much as i love and adore my cats, one of them just farted and i swear i've lost my appetite .. sheesh .. have they NO respect? ROFL


siennastarr said...

You are so amazing, Pam!

I know what you're talking about when you say you have "canceritis".. I know, because ever since I was diagnosed with Ovarian Cancer, I think every lump, bump, cough, scratch, pain or sore, is the big  CA!  Most of the time they turn out to be nothing!  I remember my Oncologist telling me once, "Don't worry until you have something to worry about!"  Small consolation, I know.. but, when you think about it.. it's true.  If it does turn out to be something, then all the worrying in the world won't change it.  If it turns out to be nothing, than we worried for what??  Nothing!  All that wasted time and energy..worrying.  So, try not to stress to much, Pam...

Love and Prayers..


nellemclaughlin said...

I think it's possible that the lump might be an enlarged lymph node. You are probably run down from the surgery and radiation and viral infections are common. Of course I would have the doctor look at it, but under the arm is where you have a lot of lymph nodes that react to infection. I'm glad you got to spend the weekend with your baby girl. That had to do wonders for your spirits. :) OX

thinkingoutloud said...

I would follow your daughter's advice.  She's obviously a wise old soul.

LOLOL@the kitty fart. ewwwww now I lost my appetite!

Niki =)

deshelestraci said...

I hope someone takes you up on your offer.  With raising two small girls and I am about to start homeschooling I dont' think I could give the journals the time commitment they need.
Ps  don't stress.  Think positive.  :)

jckfrstross said...

hang in ther and stay strong ok:)


rockierb said...

Gee, your daughter seems to take after someone.... hmm, oh it's you!  She is one smart young woman.  

onestrangecat said...

I really wish I take up one of your journals but I am afraid to commit.  Sometimes with my depression I am not so dependable.  Even if no one offers to keep up the journals please don't ever delete them!  We need them.

What an adult sounding remark that your daughter made when you found the lump!  She is so smart!!  I am proud of her.  And you know she is right.  You can't do anything until you see the doctor and worring ain't gonna help.  (Yeah, I know telling someone not to worry about something is like saying don't look at that elephant standing in the living room.  But you can try not to go the "scarest place" yet.)


ajquinn354 said...

Pam, I also hope someone will take up and continue your 3 journals - wish I could do it, but don't think I'd be the right one to try to keep up what you've done. Sure you'll hear from those that can and would be honored to take these over.

So glad your daughter was there with you when you found that spot under your arm, hopefully it won't be anything at all.  What a beautiful, caring and compassionate daughter you had there when you needed someone.  Sounds like she was definitely raised with a caring, loving Mom, speaks volume's dear about you.

Loved your losing your appetite to your cat's perfuming your home.

Hang in there dear, we're all here for you always, we want to be.

thegirlnexdoor77 said...

Am keeping positive thoughts on the baby tumor and praying for you... I am so sorry you feel so overwhelmed...hugs to you....I am happy at the time you spent with you daughter....You got some speacial kids there.  GBU,TerryAnn.

tpiez4me said...

Oh Pam....your journal is such an inspiration!  I can only imagine how much satisfaction it gives you to be able to talk these things out!  Best wishes to you!
Sharon -

ksquester said...

Pam, I don't have cancer, but there have been times in my life with my children that the feeling of being overwhelmed and overstressed and depressed engulf me. So, I just have to take it in 24 hr segments...sometimes in hour segments. It helps, but you have to train your mind to do it.  BTW, I love John Sebastian singing "Do you Believe In Majic"  Anne

wobblymoo said...

{{{hugs}}}, what a wonderful daughter you have, very wise

indigosunmoon said...

Sweetie,  when the time is right you will get the information that
you need.  Don't rush into anything.  I never agreed with any
doctor telling a person they have X amount of months/years left
to live.  That basically gives a person no hope, and without hope
you have nothing.
Pam,  know that you are loved very much.

fisherkristina said...

Oh, I really hope you don't delete the journals, they are so useful.  I hope you find somebody to take them over.


sunflowerkat321 said...

I remember referring to your journal help blog a number of times when I was just getting started here.  You did a beautiful job helping the newbies get up to speed.  I hope that you can find someone who has the time to archive these for you.  I'm trying to archive my old photoblog and it is a time consuming process.

The directory was also an important effort on your part.  You have done so much to make j-land what it is today.

Your daughter is just amazing.  I hope you get in to see someone before long and get the answers you need to this new discovery.  But, you're absolutely right in that the only thing you can control at the moment is how you react.  And that reaction is going to have a huge impact on how you feel and function until you've seen someone.  Stay strong and positive darlin'.  It's the best thing you can do for yourself.

princesssaurora said...

{{{ Pam }}}}

be well,

djohn52 said...

Dear Pam,

It's just so good to see you back.  You write what you want... how you want, that's what a journal is for.  Honestly, it helps me know what my friend (that has colon/liver cancer) may be going through.

You are in my prayers.  Big Hugs


deabvt said...

Pam, love & prayers.

linnpooh said...

Oh Pam, I'm so sorry you are feeling so overwhelmed....but understand completely why you would be. Telling you not to worry about a new lump is unrealistic so I'm not going there....I think all of us undertand why you would. Try to balance it out though with positive thoughts, because there is just as much chance that it is nothing to worry about. I will pray it is the, and I am putting in a bid for the contract of "official worrier". For certain hours of the day, you are to transfer all worrying over to me so tht you may enjoy some peaceful, happy moments. Okay? :) You have a great champion in your daughter....but why would I expect less with you as her Mom? Bless her heart, and bless you my friend.

All My Hopes & Prayers, Pam.......

Pooh Hugs,

onemoretina said...

    Your daughter sounds like a very wise and loving gal.  What a blessing to have her!  It's so wonderful when our children surprise us with their ability to comfort and care for us, after so many years of us comforting and taking care of them.  It feels lovely and good .... and right.  Tina

ondinemonet said...

Hi Pam

That song has always been a favorite of mine also. Please be good to yourself, it sounds like you have a wonderful daughter.In fact BOTh your children sound like great kids. That's quite a tribute to you darlin! Believe in that! (((((((((((((((PAM))))))))))))))))))).

Love, Carly

psychfun said...

Angel Girl....

Talk about a closer to make everyone laugh! Ha! I hope everything turns out well. Let us know. Prayers on the way! You have wonderful children but reading your journal all this time I'm not surprised!

cneinhorn said...

I have always referred to your journal directory. I do hope someone adopts it, I am way to unorganized to take on such a task, but I hope you know how much I've used and appreciated having your tools for reference.  :-)  Honey, I agree with you, who wants to know when the fat lady is gonna sing?  Not me. Not for msyelf or anyone else.   And people defy the odds all the time, and that's what I'd like to think when I think of you.  Tell the fat lady to stick a sock in it, we don't wanna hear her!  ;-)