day 271

even though i'm tired i thought i'd write a bit .. just to keep the ol' brain functioning and to let you know that although i'm a bit tired, i'm doing well !!  i think i'm just not getting enough sleep .. i was an 8 hr per night person and i'm getting about 5 hrs now, at best, an hour at a time .. plus i'm recovering from major surgery hehe <-- good excuse to be tired ;-)

i had the pleasure of having dinner with my son AND my daughter on monday evening !!  since both their dad and 2nd mom were out of town, my son picked her up after school and brought her over to the house !  i'd just got done preparing fettichini alfredo with leftover lobster tail and snow crab (yummy) and threw in a small salad and garlic bread .. it turned out great if i do say so myself and the kids enjoyed it !!

afterwards, my daughter did the dishes ((big smiles)) she talked to her boyfriend for about an hour (it was wonderful to hear her laugh and made sure and included me in on the conversation) .. then i got her to treat me to a hand and a foot massage and then we just hung out and chatted about all kinds of things .. mostly we just laughed !!  around 8:30 my son brought her back to her dads house where he kindly accomodated his momma and spent the night with his little sis (i really wasn't comfortable with her spending the night alone) .. i'm glad he didn't give me a hard time about hanging out with her :)

i got all my stitches out yesterday !!!  only removal of 2 of the stitches were uncomfortable, the rest were cake !!  in just a few more days i get to take a shower now and not have to worry about getting the stitches wet

my neurosurgeon, Dr Jason, patiently answered all my questions about pain management, the steriods, the laser surgery should the radiation not be successful (turns out Dr Jason's partner invented the procedure known as the "cyberknife") but he explained that was something my radiology oncologist (Dr Raymond) would perform if necessary

i have to confess that his confidence in my quick recovery gave ME some much needed confidence!! its amazing that when someone has that much confidence that its so easy to get caught up in the feelings and want to prove to them that they have every right to have that much confidence in my recovery

oh, new development .. the "fracture" in my rib isn't really a fracture, its quite possibly another tumor (thatnobody but me seems to be worried about) .. i just know that its painful and that they are going to hit it with 10 radiation treatments so hopefully its going to be taken care of soon ::in my best whiny voice:: i want to sleep like a normal person !!!!  of course radiation to my rib is going to bring on its own little set of side effects but hopefully the effects will be minimal ::keeping my fingers crossed::

this only being able to sleep for 1 hour at a time, waking up in pain, is for the birds !! hehe

yesterday my son ran to the drug store to stock up on my meds and then ran to the grocery store for me to fill my fridge and cupboards again .. even he is amazed at the amount of food i've been going through hehe

today i have an 11:00 with the in-home nurse and a 12:00 with the in-home speech therapist coming up .. other than that, i don't "need" my son until 3:00 on thursday for my first radation treatment so i "sent" him off to play .. i think its really important that he NOT feel like he's stuck in the house and that he continue to maintain his friendships

my son gives me a hard time every single time i cry but even Dr Jason says its healthier for me to release my emotions .. in a perfect world tears wouldn't be necessary but things have been tough and i told my son that i'm proud of how i'm handling things .. i don't fall apart .. i don't get hysterical .. and i do wonderfully for about 23 hours a day .. there are just times that i get frustrated and overwhelmed and he needs to learn to expect an emotional reaction from me .. perhaps if my son continues with his "no woman no cry" attitude i can have Dr Jason call him and set him straight :)

well, i've got the maintenance man here taking care of a few things around the house and its too distracting to try to write a journal entry so i'm going to get going :)

thanks so much for sharing my head noise with me .. you DO know what a comfort you all are don't ya?!?!?!

needing a little help

i am in dire need of a little help (from my friends of course)

:)

in case you haven't noticed my memory is kinda trashed right now and i need to ask a huge favor .. my journal was featured on the front page of the washington post on october 12, 2005 .. it was an article on blogging as therapy .. because of possible copyright violations i didn't copy the article word for word and now i can't seem to find any email with the article and i can't find the actual newspapers i had saved

i can buy the article from the Post but my computer seems to have blocked the cookie required .. did anyone manage to copy the article and be willing to share it with me?  i was bragging to Dr Jason, my neurosurgeon, about being "almost famous" and he showed interest in seeing the article and maybe even possibly reading my journal **ask me how flattered i am !!!** anyway, i can't find the article anywhere and its driving me nuts .. i've managed to misplace a lot more things but i swear all i need is help finding the washington post article (for now) lol

 

i'll owe ya huge hehe

day 270 (just a quicky!!)

i just wanted to leave a quick update ;)

 

all is well, i just slept "wrong" last night and my rib is hurting like the dickens .. i also need to rest for my speech therapy at 12:30 and then i get my stitches removed at 3 (NOT looking forward to that lol)

 

anyway, i'm just too sore and tired to write much but hopefully i'll be feeling better tomorrow so i can update you on my head noise :)

day 269

**well i've got a hammer .. and i've got a bell to ring** whoops, guess i'm getting a little carried away here hehe

but i DO have a bell to ring :)  my sister Susie brought the bell over while i was sick a few months ago .. it belonged to my grandma Madge and it is so precious to me so i asked her if i could keep it .. i am thankful she understood how this little bell could mean so much to me

i hadn't even realized my son noticed i had the bell .. but last night he surprised me by telling me that if i had an emergency during the night to ring the bell .. i had a feeling of deja vu last night and it freaked me out thinking i was going to have another seizure so i had him come in and "hold my hand" for a few minutes till that awful feeling went away .. i'm sitting here now appreciating that he didn't give me a hard time or think i was silly for being so scared .. i am so damn proud of that boy words don't do justice **big proud momma smiles**

yesterday, by far, was the most difficult day i've had so far .. i just hung on moment by moment and pretty soon it was easier to accept that i was having a hard day and i just tried to "roll with the punches" so to speak and look for positive things

i explained yesterday how i woke up in pure pain from my rib after only 4 hours sleep .. i was rummaging around and found morphine patches that i had been prescribed for the pain from the radiation treatment .. i read the pamphlet carefully (and realized that i couldn't use a heating pad and the morphine patch at the same time) and decided that i could really benefit from stronger pain medication .. its a 3 day patch .. kinda mild dose of morphine, but its enough to take the edge off the pain .. ask me how relieved i was to have the pain subside :)

i was treated to the most delicious dinner last night !!  i have been craving lobster like a mad man .. they have these commercials running for the lobsterfest at Red Lobster and i can't seem to get my mind off lobster lol  my son called yesterday afternoon where he was shopping at costco with his Aunt .. she asked me if i wanted lobster or crab (or both) !!!!!  she and my son ended up preparing a salad, lobster tail and baby zucchini and then my son came home, sautéed the zucchini and broiled the lobster tail (a HUGE tail if i do say so myself!!) he refused to let me help !!  i am still sitting here in awe of the completely generous act my ex-sister in law and my son .. we couldn't even finish the lobster and didn't even touch the snow crab legs so today my son is running to the store to get some fettichini alfredo so i can throw together the leftover lobster and the crab .. afterwards my son refused to let me help clean up and did the dishes and cleaned up the kitchen (a well done job if i do say so myself) .. anyway, i'm feeling like the biggest spoiled person right now and i'm loving it hehe  i even got him to massage my hands and feet last night (he said all i had to do was ask) !!  i'm in heaven !!

i had a change in the feeling of my hands and feet yesterday .. the closest i can come to explaining the feeling is that when your foot goes to sleep and it starts to "wake up", it can be painful .. a burning aching feeling that really hurts !!  well i was in so much discomfort yesterday i was basically worthless .. not only were my hands and feet numb, but they were burning and itching too but i hoped that was a GOOD thing and it meant that maybe, just maybe, the numbness was going away .. sure enough, today i have less numbness in my feet and hands !!  it hasn't gone away completely but i can tell its about 30% better than before !!!  **insert happy camper dance** lol

when my son got home last night i told him that i was thinking about going back to online grocery shopping again .. he looked at me and told me that it wasn't necessary because he actually enjoyed doing the grocery shopping for us !!  how sweet was that?!?!  i was trying to think of ways to lessen his responsibility for me and for now at least, he swears the responsibility isn't too much for him to shoulder .. again, ask me how proud i am to be this young mans mother !!!

this morning at 10 am i have my initial in home physical therapy treatment .. basically it will just be getting set up, finding out how much i need and how much i can tolerate .. i think i could manage about 5 minutes of exercise before i'd collapse in exhaustion !!  i can't believe how drained i've been feeling but i really do feel stronger as each day passes and i'm doing little exercises on my own, mostly just leg lifts and stretching

then at 2:30 i have my first appointment for radiation .. we're just going to do the measuring and stuff, no actual radiation but i'm nervous nonetheless .. my son is bringing me to the appointment and his presence really helps me be stronger .. he HATES it when i break down and cry so i somehow usually manage to be just a bit stronger because he's there with me :)

i got some reading done yesterday !!  i ended up with a headache and frustrated because i kept getting words wrong but i finished a few articiles in the readers digest and actually comprehended what i read !!  i can feel the changes in my ability to think and process thoughts as each day goes by .. its a huge relief to see progress cause i have a fondness for my brain lol  i happen to like my brain the way it was and can't wait for it to get as "back to normal" as it can !!!!

i feel awful for having good news that i managed to complete;y overlook and not share because i was caught up in all the commotion .. it turns out my lung tumor is just a BIT smaller than before !!!  which is actually the first really good news that i've gotten so far !!  both my oncologist and i were really surprised and it was the last thing we were expecting !!  i am relieved and gonna take this good news and make the most of it !!!

the other good news i neglected to share is that after 5 hours of brain surgery, it went as good as it could .. my neurosurgeon had explained that sometimes tumors can be "sticky" and harder to remove .. turns out my tumor wasn't connected to any brain tissue and it made the removal so much easier !! (by the way i get my stitches removed tomorrow and i'm so NOT looking forward to it lol i know its going to be uncomfortable .. i've got at least 30 stitches that need to be removed and i'm a huge baby when it comes to pain so i'm gonna make sure and pop a few vicodin before my appointment (i am taking ALL the help i can get hehe)

i have managed to get my weight up to 106 pounds !!!  **insert yet another happy dance !!**  because of the steriods i am eating about 10 meals a day .. it feels completely unnatural to have such a huge appetite, being hungry again within 10 - 20 minutes of having a full meal but thankfully i need to put the weight back on .. my ideal weight was 138 pounds and its my goal to put on as much weight and regain as much strength as i can before the possible side effect of loss of appetite from the radiation .. i made my son promise last night that he'd force me to drink 2 protein shakes a day if i lose my appetite .. he promised :)

i can't believe how quickly my brusing has gotten better !!!  when i got home from the hospital, my legs and mostly my arms were literally covered with bruises from all the IV's and injections .. the bruises are basically gone now after me expecting them to last for weeks !!!  i am wondering if it has anything to do with the mega multi-vitamin/minerals that i'm taking ::shrugging::  what i DO know is that these horse pills are so huge that i have to cut them in half and the taste like garbage LOL

well i've managed to work up an appetite (so whats new hehe) so thanks for taking the time to share my head noise .. you guys never fail to amaze me at how you've taken an interest in my life and my journey .. even though i don't really understand it, i've stopped questioning the fact that i've got the best journaling friends in the world and i simply appreciate the fact that i've got y'all in my life .. ((waving at Andi cause we shared the most awesome phone conversation yesterday !!!))

i'm gonna go eat now hehe (and pardon please my lack of spell check lol)

just adding a quick thought

i forgot to add that even though i've been successful at quitting my addiction to cigarettes, 2 days ago i was hit with the strongest urge to far to have a smoke .. so i'm back on the nicotine patch again .. its really the first time that i've had ANY strong urge to quit and it really took me by surprise

i thought i'd add my stats from quitnet . com that was really helpful in offering advice on how to quit smoking

My Quit

My Stats:
Your Quit Date is:  6/24/2005 6:30:00 PM
Time Smoke-Free: 267 days, 14 hours, 1 minute and 44 seconds

Cigarettes NOT smoked: 5352
Lifetime Saved:  1 month, 10 days, 21 hours
Money Saved: $938.00

day 268

the groomers showed up yesterday afternoon and i tell ya Bubba is one happy camper !!  he's our only long hair cat and being indoor/outdoor its difficult to keep the mats under control .. one little thistle and its a mat waiting to happen .. when i returned home from 10 days in the hospital i realized right away that it was time to have him groomed .. he was so unhappy and uncomfortable he wasn't even acting like his usual bouncy self and had even started sleeping UNDER the bed instead of on top (what was up with that?)

he had his tummy shaved completely, his nails trimmed, ears cleaned and his first bath as an adult cat .. and his behavior has changed so much that he's taken Momma's standard sleeping place on my bed lol  he looks like he lost about 10 pounds of weight getting rid of that extra hair but he is so much happier i can't believe the difference !!!

i was happy to find a mobile service that came out on weekends .. the woman and her assistant were very pleasant to work with and i could tell immediately that they really cared about the pets they worked on .. and it didn't cost me an arm and a leg .. so if you're in the bay area of california and need mobile pet grooming service, i've got a company i can recommend

(i'm going to try to figure out how to transfer pictures from my camera to my computer a little bit later in the day) .. i'm kinda stuck in bed right now and don't have the energy to sit at my desk long enough to figure it out .. i woke up in a considerable amount of pain 2 hours ago .. i'm not sure if i was sleeping "wrong" but my rib was causing me so much pain i just couldn't stand it .. i took a couple of vicodin and i'm using a heating pad and combined the pain is tolerable .. unfortunately i have to cough and i'm not quite sure how to do this without causing myself a lot of pain lol

anyway i took a couple of "after" pictures of Bubba that i'll share as soon as i can get out of bed :)

i decided to spoil myself and buy my favorite candles online .. they are made by oxyfresh, they're soy candles (as opposed to parafin) and have the angel food scent .. i also got one of their holiday candles and some laundry detergent .. if you're into candles as much as i am. these candles are pure heaven .. even though the soy lasts twice as long as wax i burn through them really quickly .. anyway, the website is oxfresh . com and i can recommend all their household products and be confident that people will get their money's worth of product :)

even though my son technically "lives" with me, he really doesn't spend more than a couple of hours a day at the house .. he comes home, takes care of things i need done, we "hang" out for about an hour or so and then he takes off .. i am really comfortable with the arrangements because i don't feel as if he's stuck hanging around the house .. yesterday he did the grocery shopping, restaked one of the rose bush trees that had fallen over, and fed the squirrels .. come to find out he's been feeding them on a regular basis and hadn't even said anything to me !!  thats my boy !!  today he's putting in a couple of hours working for his aunt to earn "us" some spending money .. those were HIS words not mine lol

he's made sure that he'll be here tomorrow and tuesday for my doctors appointments .. and he's becoming quite an accomplished grocery shopper .. i'm rather picky about the brands of products i use and he stopped giving me a hard time about it lol

well happily the pain from my rib has all but gone away .. as much as i want to be off pain medication, i don't think there is anyway i can get through the day with my rib .. thankfully i have doctors who don't want me to suffer or be in pain

i'm going to try to catch a few more hours sleep .. wish me luck ;-)

you all are the BEST !!!!!

if i were able to figure out how to add fancy fonts and elaborate graphics, i would .. in the meantime, please make do with my words as they come from my heart

i think i've cornered the market on being surrounded by loving, caring, supportive family and journaling friends .. y'all are THE BEST and i can't begin to explain how much you mean to me

(Yes Paul, mess with my brain and i start thinking i'm from texas with the y'alls lol)

 

i love you all .. i really do